#1
I paid way more attention to the verses than the chorus/bridge so there not as good. I tried to use a bit different rhyme scheme than I usually do. Let me know what you think. Crit for Crit.

====================================

Take it back
That’s all I have to say
Nothing else could convey the pain you've left me with somehow
Let it go
Or go down with the ship
There's no day I would rather skip than the one we're in right now

Cause I'm down for the count with you in my arms
Even though you won't hug me back
I'm oh for three, I've struck out again
And now I'm a bit off track

Don't look back
It's brighter up ahead
You could wind up dead if you don't watch where you step here
Keep on moving
Don't stop to count the stars
Don't stop to look at ours or you'll swerve right off the pier

Cause I'm down for the count with you in my arms
Even though you won't hug me back
I'm oh for three, I've struck out again
And now I'm a bit off track

You left me here
Without a clue as to where I'm headed
And every dream I've had has been shredded
You left me here
All alone

Cause I'm down for the count with you in my arms
Even though you won't hug me back
I'm oh for three, I've struck out again
And now I'm a bit off track

Take it back
Let it go
Don't look back
Or you'll never know
Take it back
Let it go
You left me here
All alone

====================================

Hope you enjoyed.
#2
i liked it. You're right, the verses are better than your chorus. The chorus isn't bad though, the thing i don't like about it its:
"I'm oh for three, I've struck out again"
I like the "I'm oh for three" part. but the "I've struck out again" part doesn't seem to fit. It just doesn't flow well. Though as of right now i can't think of anything better to put there. But i'll think about it and if i come up with something i'll let you know. overall good job 7/10
#3
hmm pretty good...theres so many different directions you could take with this which is a good thing. What kind of music did you have in mind for it? It seems like it'd be pretty fast paced to me. The chorus is simpler but i think it could be very catchy. I really like the "There's no day I would rather skip than the one we're in right now" line. Good job.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#4
Now this is the craziest rhyming i have ever seen and it works so well. The message your trying to get across is not hard to find and I didn't get lost in your thoughts. 9/10
Fender Strat '62 With Clapton signal processor and Fender Lace Sensors
Kustom DFX 100 (2x12)
Fender 150W all tube '64 vintage Amp (2x12)
Influences: Black Sabbath, Metallica, Megadeth

Say to Emo's.
#5
Take it back
That’s all I have to say
Nothing else could convey the pain you've left me with somehow
Let it go
Or go down with the ship
There's no day I would rather skip than the one we're in right now

This is all over the place man... try to keep your message and flow consistant. And "going down with the ship" has been used way too many times for that to be effective at all.

Cause I'm down for the count with you in my arms
Even though you won't hug me back
I'm oh for three, I've struck out again
And now I'm a bit off track

Again man, if you're going to use symbolism, make it at least somewhat consistant. +The last rhyme is incredibly forced.


Don't look back
It's brighter up ahead
You could wind up dead if you don't watch where you step here
Keep on moving
Don't stop to count the stars
Don't stop to look at ours or you'll swerve right off the pier

Eh man, the ahead/dead rhyme really bugs me, I'm not much for that halfway internal rhyming, if you're going to do that, add as many syllables to the second line as the third. Also, again with the jumping from symbols.


You left me here
Without a clue as to where I'm headed
And every dream I've had has been shredded
You left me here
All alone

Nah man, I'm not feeling this at all. Especially "headed/shredded"


Take it back
Let it go
Don't look back
Or you'll never know
Take it back
Let it go
You left me here
All alone

I dunno pal.

You should organize your thoughts a lot more thoroughly, this is a good attempt, and you might be able to force it to chords and convince people that your lyrics weren't compiled in minutes... but I think you should work on this. Keep on trucking buddy.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504080 Is my latest, whenever you can.

-Jacob
#9
it seems disjointed.... you have a lot of different thoughts put into a song... I wasnt fond of the ship line... it seems to be put there for appearance.... and the shredded part makes me think of the shredder from ninja turtles.... I think with some organization and a little more time tweaking some key lines you would have an awesome piece.... overall 7/10 (to leave room for improvement) thanks for the crit, sorry it took so long to get one back to you