#1
This is something i just wrote...as always it reads like a poem...enjoy and feel free to crit, I enjoy a verbal lashing


Concentric circles 'round my head,
mimick the halo she misread.
She took it for granted, every bit,
till that very moment, she didnt expect the hit.

Clouds stuck to the foggy bottom,
a vision of heaven I had forgotten.
But I take no solace now,
for these elsysian fields do not allow.

Here I am again, stuck in limbo,
Forward and back, nowhere left to go.
I burned those bridges in the past,
and now my fate has been cast.

Now I ask her, the one who knew it all,
Where do I go, when theres nowhere else to fall?
#2
And a lashing you shall recieve.JK It was actually very nice peice, had a great rhythm and rhyme. I don't know if it would work for a song but definetly a great poem.
Fender Strat '62 With Clapton signal processor and Fender Lace Sensors
Kustom DFX 100 (2x12)
Fender 150W all tube '64 vintage Amp (2x12)
Influences: Black Sabbath, Metallica, Megadeth

Say to Emo's.
#3
You've got some OKAY ideas here man. But much of this is far too off based on matching rhyme with your meter. I think you should try writing some poetry without rhyming, I think that would suit you better at this point.
#4
i actually love it, a lot. good work.
rhyme can be a good thing.
reminds me of bright eyes a bit.
#5
Thanks for the crits so far guys, and clichealias this is really my first time every writing in meter or rhyme. I tend to be more of a free verse guy, but I just write what comes out. So thats why the meter or rhyme may seem a little weird. But once again thanks so far.