#1
She's kissing the concrete
Or so she may think
Assumptions amiss
Of subtlety's deathwish
Two hues of an ashen gray
Mistaken for a scarlet shade

Maybe i'm just frustrated
'Cause cannibals keep
Stealing all my food and
I just can't get a break
I can't get a break

Rotten soles and mistletoes
tease tease tease with silly jokes
holy writs and hissy fits
I don't really get what you mean
A staring match with a muzzle
1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3, fare well

Maybe i'm just angered
'Cause parasites keep
Leeching off of me and
I just can't get a break
I guess i'm just naive

Naive

Maybe i'm just frustrated
'Cause cannibals keep
Stealing all my food and
I just can't get a break
I can't get a break

Placebo fixes and wasted breath
With soda highs from decaf
Never knew just who we were
When we exhaled each other
Bleached, bloated, and hung over
on this nameless novacaine

Maybe i'm just
Maybe i'm just
Maybe i'm just

Naive
#2
I liked this a lot... one of the best things I've read in a while. If I were to change anything I wouldn't repeat the stanza about cannibals stealing all of your food... I also think perhaps a new ending with some sort of revelation would serve this piece more justice.
#3
It's got some really good stuff goin on, but you lost me. There's just too much going on. It's one of those things where you need to pick and image and stick with it sorta thing.

She's kissing the concrete
Or so she may think
Assumptions amiss
Of subtlety's deathwish
Two hues of an ashen gray
Mistaken for a scarlet shade


Those are some really cool images, but not all at the same time. They don't really belong together if you ask me. You go from this rough touch to a floating speculation to some abstract idea to colors. Those are all well and good, but they don't mix together. Touch leads to touch, color leads to color sorta thing.

+2c

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#4
If i was still in my mothers womb i still would think you are an idiot.....you made no sence and if i could spit in your face....i would for making my dumber by reading that crap...p.s your poem is gay
#5
i like the repetition. of the cannibals.
i like the whole thing.
i dont find it homosexual in any way.
i like how its out there, and erotically strange.
dont be discouraged.
#6
The Cannibal Verse/Chorus put me off a bit but the first verse really put images in my head. Keep it up.
#7
This is great, really well-written.

Rotten soles and mistletoes
tease tease tease with silly jokes
holy writs and hissy fits
I don't really get what you mean
A staring match with a muzzle
1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3, fare well

This is definately my favourite bit. The last two lines really stand out.

The whole thing is really good, loads of great images.

Crit mine?
#9
Quote by XII
If i was still in my mothers womb i still would think you are an idiot.....you made no sence and if i could spit in your face....i would for making my dumber by reading that crap...p.s your poem is gay

It's song lyrics not a poem, and it feels great to know that the new 2007 users of UG are mature and willing to be modest when giving crits, you really helped me with my new piece. I love you.

Abstactness for abstract sense is lame.

I know, but I tried. Wanted something different.
Last edited by DanteR* at Jan 17, 2007,
#10
I say keep it going man, I liked it, and sure that theres an audience for it out there, I'd give it a full crit because I'm bored shitless but to be honest I like it as is... crit one of mine if you want to...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#11
i especially like the first verse... he imagery is amazing, as it is thoroughout the entire song, and XII is just mad cuz talent doesn't run through his vains.... lol but it flows you you evidently.... the only 2 thins that put me off were 1) the line "Placebo fixes and wasted breath With soda highs from decaf" the word placebo through me off i didn't think it fit the song and 2) the word muzzle... i dunno lol i just didn't think it fit, but it's no big deal
awesome job