#1
i stood at the top of a building
and fingerpainted
all over the sky,
without even looking at
what i was making.
i painted skeletons with
hearts still beating,
and women with
holes for eyes
and crosses for mouths.
i saw a bird that glowed
like bottle-blonde hair,
and i asked her
about freedom.
she said she was
made out of granite,
but her feathers were
lined with rubies.
her head exploded
into thousands of
colourless flowers,
and i bathed myself
in the sparks until
my skin had melted off.
the cold air licked at my heart
through my bare ribcage,
and it reminded me that i would
never be free.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Jan 18, 2007,
#2
i stood at the top of a building
and i fingerpainted
all over the sky,
without even looking at
what i was making.
i painted skeletons with
hearts still beating,
and women with
holes for eyes
and crosses for mouths.
but then i saw a bird
that glowed like
bottle-blonde hair,
and i asked her
about freedom.
she said she was
made out of granite,
but her feathers were
lined with rubies.
then suddenly,
her head exploded
into thousands of
colourless flowers,
and i bathed myself
in the sparks until
my skin had melted off.
and the cold air licked at
my heart through my bare ribcage,
reminding me that i would never be free.


seriously nothing to crit its very well writtern but i didnt like the last three lines they seem a bit weak for a strong and intellectual piece like that there can be something better then that . but hey thats me.......
Hi
#3
call it a run on sentence. call it a run on sentence. this isn't really, i dunno. it doesn't play out well, some of the ideas are good but it's a run on sentence. it makes it feel all topsy turvey like a pinwheel. work on making it more concise and not so.. and then this. and then this. and then this. and then this. it just makes me feel like i'm a long distance runner, when all i really wanna do is just sit and enjoy it.

kapeesh?
#5
A few wonders.
Why do you talk about the bird as "she"? I can understand how you wanted to switch. But it kept ticking me off a bit. Else than that, it's not bad, except I think you definitely should introduce the ribcage better. This seems pretty random in the way it evolved, but I think I like it.

In all, not bad, I won't full crit because I don't feel like being really picky, but this is the general feeling I get out of this.

Be nice and take a quick look at my latest.
-Mat
#6
ahahha i already did!

but the inspiration for this piece came
from a bunch of paintings/artworks
that i made, all involving freedom
and misconceptions and stuff.
i guess it might make more sense
if you had the images to go with it
and the evolution wouldn't seem
so random and weird and out there.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
Quote by pixiesfanyo
I'm always right, kyle.
nice man, but his original advice was very good and helpful for me aswell so thank u
#12
is there any way i can any more criticism?

i'm planning on using this one in an
art piece that i'm making for school,
so i'd like it to be the best it can be.

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
i don't like the placement of the line breaks, they're almost all awkwardly placed, it makes the piece feel very disjointed and demolishes any flow that gets going

the writing is solid, though.

--jay
#14
Quote by Grovermans
i stood at the top of a building
and i fingerpainted
all over the sky,
without even looking at
what i was making.

i love this beginning. very descriptive and unique. i especially love how you said fingerpainted instead of painted. you might be able to change it to fingerpainting instead of the and i but that's your personal choice. the last line is awesome.

i painted skeletons with
hearts still beating,
and women with
holes for eyes
and crosses for mouths.

i like the idea here. it's said well but my only problem is with the last line. i don't know why but imo the "with holes for eyes and crosses for mouths" didn't work. maybe you could restate it somehow. it just seems a little bland. but not bad.

i saw a bird that glowed
like bottle-blonde hair,
and i asked her
about freedom.
she said she was
made out of granite,
but her feathers were
lined with rubies.

i love this. i don't know whether you changed it from what people said earlier but i quite liked the reference of the bird as a girl. generally, i think they're refered to as a girl and even more so it connects you to the character in the story more. it almost makes you feel sorry for you and it at the end. i love the phrases bottle blonde hair.

her head exploded
into thousands of
colourless flowers,
and i bathed myself
in the sparks until
my skin had melted off.
the cold air licked at my heart
through my bare ribcage,
and it reminded me that i would
never be free.

damn canadia! spell color correctly! just kidding. the only thing that sparked my attention was the had melted off, it seemed out of place but when i read it outloud it made flow better. so yeah. i love the ending especially the diction and regardless what the guy above said don't ****ing change it. cold air licked at my heart through my bare ribcage. ****ing amazing line (and the one after that too)



dammit i'm ****ing pissed off. i wrote a long ****ing crit and then the shit froze on me. anyway, i hoped this helps you a little. good writing as always lover.
<3
#16
i stood at the top of a building

I think you can use a better word than stood to get the point across.

and i fingerpainted

If you take out 'I', it really flows better in my mind.

all over the sky,
without even looking at
what i was making.

Making seems really weak to me, you could put a much better metaphor here.

i painted skeletons with
hearts still beating,
and women with
holes for eyes
and crosses for mouths.

I love this whole part. Great job.


i saw a bird that glowed
like bottle-blonde hair,

Not too fond of this simile for some reason. Doesn't fit in with the rest.


and i asked her
about freedom.
she said she was

Said is a bit weak. I suggest replied or answered, something along those lines.

made out of granite,
but her feathers were
lined with rubies.
her head exploded
into thousands of
colourless flowers,
and i bathed myself
in the sparks until
my skin had melted off.

This was my favorite part of the whole thing. Seriously, great imagery and word choice.

the cold air licked at my heart

Great verb. Licked seems perfect.

through my bare ribcage,
and it reminded me that i would
never be free.

Love this ending. Don't change it.

Overall, this is amazing. Like I said, there are a few weak parts, other than those, this is probably one of the best I've read on here. Great job, man. Hope this helps.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#17
sounds like an acid trip freewrite lol. being serious though, you are a mastery of mental imagery. bravo good sir, bravo. sweet piece.
Selling a FZ-2 Hyper Fuzz. 35 o.b.o. Any takers?
#18
I liked it a fair bit.

But it reminds me of your old style. Some nice new ideas there, but it still is scented with 'Kyle from a few months ago'. Take that as good or bad, I don't know.

By the way, I miss talking to you kiiiid. Get on MSN once and a while.
#19
two problems: One, I am not crazy about the 'bathing in sparks' image...infact, I don't know how to even create it, cause to me, it seems impossible. And also the ending seemed really tacked on and too, idk, predictable. With the space and airiness of the first part of this, i think this piece deserves an ending that is of equal mysteriousness or freedom. Show us what it is instead of simply telling us.
#20
hmmm... well like. the image i wanted
for the "bathing in sparks" part was like.
a shower. in the sparks. but using "shower"
just seemed like it wouldn't fit where i had it.
so that was my reasoning behind that decision.
but if you can think of a better word that might
help with the image, then by all means, share it.
i just couldn't think of what to put there to do that.

and the ending... yeah. i kind of felt like that too.
i just didn't really have anything to change it to.
but i've been thinking about how i might fix it.
so hopefully i can think of something for it.

but thank you very much :]

I just want to sleep forever.


#21
I like the writing, sans the line breaks. I thought you did well with the other piece with lengthy lines, it just seemed to fit with what you wanted. I don't think the choppiness suits you. But that's just me. The only real part of this I didn't like was the bare ribcage image, it just seemed meh.

Everything else was quite good.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching