#1
u got me hardr than the agrokrag

in patterns of polyphane,
spread those lips in bubblegum sweet.
i'd pop yr soaked heart
into layers of stale liquor.
breathe in yr candy stick
tastes of peppermint and sex.
first kisses on nylon.
cigarettes, and held hands on a see-saw of youth.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Jan 17, 2007,
#2
I liked the progression in that, flowed very well. I liked the ending result of it, also. However, un-sober writing (obviously) makes mistakes in spelling, so correct them whenever you'll feel like it.

I think it's strong side is it's flow. It's short length is also charming, but I think you could use just a little more length. not sure though.
#3
Well it's certainly different from most stuff of yours I read.

Yeah the flow was a plus point here, and I loved the whole tone of the piece. Maybe a bit longer to get more meaning across and a bit of a conclusion or something to clear it up at the end.

I liked this one more than oyu others, in fact. More my thing
#4
Really didn't like this, the images jumped around too much, and the general feel of the piece was off for me. The 'Sex' was added for an effect of somesort, perhaps to try and give it meaning, but was lost among some nice metaphors. L2 read badly for me. L6 didn't flow too well in relation to the previous line. Average.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
u got me hardr than the agrokrag

in patterns of polyphane,
spread those lips in bubblegum sweet.
i'd pop yr soaked heart
into layers of stale liquor.
breathe in yr candy stick
tastes of peppermint and sex.
first kisses on nylon.
cigarettes, and held hands on a see-saw of youth.


Hmm... interesting to say the least. This didn't really hit home for me, you've got some nice ideas but you didn't really do much with them.

Not much help I can offer except for to say that this could use some expanding.
#6
very different from you. but good nonetheless.
short and to the point, well written
and even though you used "yr" it made up for it when i noticed it made the poem a distinctly better looking poem, shape-wise.
#8
This is my first go at crit-ing poetry so you'll have to see how it goes!

in patterns of polyphane,
spread those lips in bubblegum sweet.
i'd pop yr soaked heart
into layers of stale liquor.

I liked this its fairly simple but it worked well the only part i wasnt sure about was the word liquor it had a good effect however it didnt fit in and flow as well as the rest. I like how its very vague about the subject and have to really look at it to find a meaning. Also maybe bubblegum sweet could be considered a little cliche maybe something else a little more unique would be more efficient, but its no major problem.

breathe in yr candy stick
tastes of peppermint and sex.
first kisses on nylon.
cigarettes, and held hands on a see-saw of youth.

I dont like the use of the word cigarettes in the poem maybe its just because i dont particularly like smoking but i see it in a lot of the few pieces inthe time iv been here, however after saying that it does fit with the poem and the almost aggressiveness that it seems to hold and it finished well with a nice last line.
Overral i liked it though the title seemed a little strange! I think its really good and with a little more work could be even better.
Please check out mine in my sig thanks.