#1
I don't know. let me know.


       These origamists have scissor hands and fire fingernails, but
       you match them up pretty well; well I am sure as hell
       that destruction prevails whenever you're around
       And trying to make things  pretty. Yes, you do
       get the crown. But you wear it upside


       d  d  d  d  d     down.    d  d  d  d  d 
        o  o  o  o  o            o  o  o  o  o         
         w  w  w  w  w          w  w  w  w  w
          n  n n  n   n        n  n  n  n  n
          And it all converges to the point 
          where I have no other choices but 
          to keep my focus on the infinitely 
          small.        Like          the...


       ...shadow of a shadow. The one small and tiny line 
       that's paler, weaker than it's very own source.
       The result of a result, the ending operation
       that ultimately leads you to your solution: 
       E. Error. And no, there's nothing wrong 
       with the calculator. You should have 
       read that small booklet that came
       with it. You would have realized
       that love is one thing can't be
       mathematically solved. And the 
       problem is that at this very
       precise instant, the one
       moment we either spend
       writing or speaking, 
       it's never-ending.
       you are keeping 
       your cape on
       Your route
       down to 
       Zero ; 
       0 ; 
       .
                    

Last edited by circular.parade at Jan 17, 2007,
#2
shape poetry... sweet.

i'm a bit too tired to really read into this,
but from what i can tell, it's all good.
i'll try to read it again sometime later
when i'm fully awake. or something.

but shape poetry is cool. and original.
well. obviously not original. but i mean.
original in the sense that i rarely see it
any more, especially on these boards.
i commend you on your unique efforts.

I just want to sleep forever.


#3
There's not much flow, but your word usage and structure are quite concise.
Away Message: I fell out of my chair, this may take awhile.
#4
I don't like the word cape it would come off really weird said out loud. Same with the word calculator. While the ideas aren't the most interesting I've read they are unique and they give it it's own style, it's just sometimes the diction leaves more to look for. It's like you have a decent backing but you don't have enough of paint on the front to make it look as well as it could. Still, it's good to see some different styles of writing on these forums and I give you props for that. Just try to make it sound a bit more pleasing and you'd probably have an excellent piece.
#5
Saved ya from the second page.
Pretty cool the way you have it set up, but it really wasn't much of an enjoyable read. Sorry but I can't think of any way to fix that, I wouldn't change it, it's just my opinion.

Could you plz leave a short comment on my latest titled Parade, links in my sig.
#6
I loved all of it, it may not flow but who decided everything has to flow, at worst this would make a beautiful poem, and I love the format. This is one of my favorites off of UG.
#7
Thanks. Obviously with the structure of the last stanza, it doesn't flow really good. Most shape poems don't flow, in fact.

I agree with the language/diction thingy. It's just that I might show it to somebody that doesn't understand english quite well. but I agree, I might work on it. I'll get back at all of yours soon.
#10
hell of a different approach to what is normally seen on UG.

I liked it a lot. The underlying tones of bitterness and resentment are made really clear, so I commend you on that.

You would have realized
that love is one thing can't be
mathematically solved.

that line really stuck out to me. it sort of represents a loss of individuality nowadays - we seem to have forgotten how to feel.
One of my favourite UG pieces for quite some time. Great work mate.
If you have time, could you please crit mine. Would be appreciated https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=505498
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#13
I liked the first part the most, the second part seemed like you put extra lines in you did not need. Overall its an awesome read and look forward to your stuff in the future.
#14
I enjoyed this just because of it's fair amount of originality, the last stanza seemed to be written in a way that was meant to force the words to fit the shape, with more focus being put on the shape of the stanza than certain parts of it which left a bit to be desired. The content of this poem on a whole was decent, the originality was good, but mostly I enjoyed the crown

I also didnt like the "sure as hell" bit in the first stanza, it was just so blatantly and forcibly rhymed.

Interesting piece.
#15
These origamists have scissor hands and fire fingernails, but
you match them up pretty well; well I am sure as hell
that destruction prevails whenever you're around
And trying to make things pretty. Yes, you do
get the crown. But you wear it upside

I think this starts excellent when i first read it i was going to say "you match them up pretty well" was a very weak and seemingly indecisive line but the next couple of words changed that and made it all the more powerful.
The next section is not only clever but uses great words. The whole piece below that is great its interesting and i dont feel like its been forced to make the shape which must have been incredibly hard to do with such a good piece of writing. Great work i cant think of any particular parts to improve on just a great piece of writing.
If you have time at some point please check out mine in my sig thanks a lot id like it a lot to see what you would say thank you
#16
Thank you very much.
I'll return crits I owe shortly, but as of now I'm really busy writing a script.

Any last minute comments before this forever sinks?
#17
I really really like that.

[/omguselesscrit<3]
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#19
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#20
I think it was a very nice song, i like the shape, that takes a lot of creativity. very well done. that must have taken quite a bit of time to create. props on that

My songs:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=683805 (Haunted Memories)
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=683809 (Fading Images)
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=681879 (When Angels Learn to Fly)
#22
This is the best thing you've ever written based on merit alone. I know doing shape poetry is a pain in the asshole, and I commend you for doing this. It's tough as **** to code it and make it look correct, so congrats on making it look gorgeous.

As for the writing, it's great, tangible and imaginative. It's great, I want to keep re-reading it and that's a rare thing for me to do when it comes to stuff like this that isn't mine. So yeah, great job and congrats on being a mod.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#24
Matt, thank you very much. I really appreciate everything you've said...

But yeah this piece got bumped for some reason. It's a billion ages old. Was still linked in my sig. So yeah...this shouldn't be up here.
Actually, I'm going to close my own thread...