#1
okay well i've only ever written songs before... and this isn't a song... so it's a first for me... i would appreciate crits probably even more so for this piece than usual... just so i know if i should stick to songs or not.... thanks.
ps... sorry for the boring title.

The Words

Your visceral attempts at ailment only leave you with thoughts of malingering,
subconsciously lingering between these two opposing trenches: manifest and destiny, you follow the lines of maps only found in the pockets of men who died just minutes ago.

Now your terms of self-preservation are only comprised of a few clumsy, heartfelt words scribbled on the back of a postcard. The front of which features capped mountains that will never be within your sight, within your reach.

The words on the postcard, though clumsy, create the only piece of sentiment that has managed to penetrate your hardened, yet undeniably feeble heart. The words, the equation, the reason. The reason that you fight off the viral fatigue that plagues your every motion, that threatens every heartbeat. The words, from an underdeveloped yet fully comprehensive mind of a five year old girl, the one you call "princess" when you are around, or when the greed of "great" men doesn't keep you from the grace of simple joys, the grace of a kiss goodnight, or your daughters unwavering faith in your integrity.

You've known all along that you are losing a losing battle.
All when losing isn't an acceptable option.
When creating a widow out of pure belle and beauty isn't an option.
When failing to be present as "princess" walks down the aisle isn't an option.
Now you realize that you only have one option: escape.

Your doubts heighten by the second, as success is not in your blood.
You need to make a decision. A move. You need out.
But wait. First a look (maybe your last) at the words:

"Daddy,
I miss you.
Please come home.

Love,
Your Princess"
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jan 17, 2007,
#2
thos last few lines got to me,, it is sweet and moving.,, though I think the first line
"Your visceral attempts at ailment only leave you with thoughts of malingering,"
seemedlonger than it actually was considering the two long words (visceral and malingering) but once I read on I think they were good choice and really makes the ready think.

___________________________________________
Sorry for the lack of though. My brain ran away from me this morning.
#3
Wow, I take it this is pertaining to a soldier? being a soldier myself (with a daughter) this one really hit home for me.... honestly bro I liked it a lot, it seemed more like a story than anything but there is a lot of emotion and I think you made a good choice not going in song pattern here, you probably would have lost a lot of feeling that way... all in all it was really good and the only part I didn't like was at the end of line one you say malingering and then at the beginning of line 2 you use lingering..... kind of felt contradictory to me but I could have misread or misunderstood.... overall 9/10 I'll look for more from you.... crit mine? link in sig
#4
thanks guys... and Casper, i left a comment on your piece.

and as for the use of "malingering" and then "lingering".... it was written with the intention of those words fitting together with the flow of the paragraph... does it not read like that? ... it does to me... but that's just me... if it does seem too akward let me know.

thanks again.