#1
Hot off the press. It'll be great if someone gave me feedback this time cause my last few have gone untouched. I'll Crit4Crit as well. Thx.

All these pages
Are black and white
This age is
Stoppin time
I cant realign
What I had in mind
And this blank space
Has killed the fill
This life will
Wait behind

If I can make this turn
Go completley around
The hurt around hearts
That I have drew out of a deck
Of one

And is it too much
To pass a thought
To let it through
From brain to mouth
I cant keep doin this
I cant keep this up

And I will
Play the fool
The blame will
Find a way
If I can live for anyone
I'll live for the inside
So thats the second time I got crabs.
#2
I like It lts of the ryhmes sound forced and go agianst the general rhythm of the peice especially ' Go completley around' that line just doesnt work . Its a very odd song only certain lines rhyme and all the verses are differnt lengths. I think its an average song but i dont like the second verse it all sounds forced and makes no sense.

I know im an anal rapist when it comes to crits but i like it but some bits just pull the quality right down

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=506504
#3
Quote by Your Right
Hot off the press. It'll be great if someone gave me feedback this time cause my last few have gone untouched. I'll Crit4Crit as well. Thx.

All these pages
Are black and white
This age is
Stoppin time
I cant realign
What I had in mind
And this blank space
Has killed the fill
This life will
Wait behind

FORCED! ugh...it's not terrible but it is forced...work on it a bit...

If I can make this turn
Go completley around
The hurt around hearts
That I have drew out of a deck
Of one
Yeah what?

And is it too much
To pass a thought
To let it through
From brain to mouth
I cant keep doin this
I cant keep this up
I like it, but umm whats your focus point i still havnt figured that out yet...not a good sign ussually

And I will
Play the fool
The blame will
Find a way
If I can live for anyone
I'll live for the inside


Okay, it wasnt terrible...needs work, not bad, but I would suggest making your focus point more understandable...

Not bad...6/10 Dont give up!
(check any of mine)