#1
[edit pro] this thing just got mad makeover props. wow


Ovalish Orange

With twenty lem-na-tu,
you're simply one-two-three...
In one, in two, or three hours it begins.
A cool breeze breaches the expanse of the mind
and in the event that the sky reacts somehow
(turns blacker than dye and right side out?)
you must close your lids to endure frequent spins
around a universe with only endless dead ends..
..and you realize at once that the feeling is timeless.

You must escape somehow
from fate's illustrious hold
on your face, on your hair,
until your feeling grows old.
Your skin is no longer golden
nor troubled by sin
but when the fire beside her
releases its end,
the
world
will
no longer spin.

(The end?)
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Jan 19, 2007,
#2
I'm sorry to bump but I'm nearly halfway down the second page and seems like no one will see it there. I'm returning most of the comments and crits I receive, so please tell me what you think.
#3
Quote by BluePaintCult
Ovalish Orange

With 20 power per pop,
you simply one-two-three.
In one, two or even three hours time
the cool breeze
reaches the top of the mind,
and in the event the sky somehow reacts
and turns blacker than dye,
you close your lids
and enter frequent spins
around a universe with endless ends
and you realize then that the feeling is old.

i like how when reading it you get a nice feeling but the end slaps you in the face.
very descriptive. i love the rhyming not too obvious. i like the phrase endless ends. the blacker than dye line is good but seems kinda meh to me. general idea is good though.


You must get out
of fate's strong hold
on your face,
on your hair,
until your feeling is old.
Your skin is no longer golden,
nor troubled by sin.
When the fire beside her
releases its end,
the
world
will
no longer spin.

this is a lot better than the first paragraph. (not that it was bad) It's much more in depth. i like the "the world will" spaces you put. makes each word stick out which is important because it's the best line of the piece. amazing way to end it.however, the title confused me a bit. i was wondering what you were referring too. does the "ovalish" refer to the spinning?


<3
#5
In one, two or even three hours time <-- too many syllables

and in the event the sky somehow reacts
and turns blacker than dye, <-- one too many long-"i" end sounds.

you close your lids
and enter frequent spins
around a universe with endless ends
and you realize then that the feeling is old.<-- good, could use a better adjective than "old".

You must get out
of fate's strong hold
on your face,
on your hair,
until your feeling is old. <-- again, too much repetition of end sounds, using old twice is no good, just awkwardly put together here all around. sorry.

Your skin is no longer golden,
nor troubled by sin.
When the fire beside her
releases its end,
the
world
will
no longer spin. <--- ending isn't bad at all.


not your best. not your worst. i like the idea, the execution (esp in the middle) leaves much to be desired.

--jay
#6
I read this earlier. The edits have made a positive difference to it's flow.

I agree with Jay about the use of "old", there isn't anything else I can find that I don't like, though.

I wish I had more to say, but I did really enjoy reading this. Kudos man.
#7
phoeb's - i made some pretty drastic flow rearranging halfway according to your suggestions, changed a few problematic words here and there. thanks.

alias - awesome. thanks
#8
Quote by BluePaintCult
EDIT: I made a lot of changes to format and flow, as well as made some edits in wording here and there. Hopefully all for the better.

Ovalish Orange

With 20 power-per-pop,
you simply one-two-three...
In one, in two, or even three hours time,
the cool breeze reaches the top of the mind.
And in the event the sky reacts somehow
(and turns blacker than dye,)
you close your lids and enter frequent spins
around a universe with endless ends..
..and you realize then that the feeling is timeless.

ok this is good great flow. In the line with parenthesis, im gonna give you two thoughts cause i dont know if this is sung or not If its poem, meh, leave it. If singing either add syllables ( if its sung like the other lines) if its not, then im assumign your doing like a backup singer type person doing it. cause as of now, idk how it would work. i dont like "endless ends" On the last line i would take out "then"

You must let loose of fate's strong hold;
on your face, on your hair,
until your feeling's grown old.
Your skin is no longer golden,
nor troubled by sin.
When the fire beside her
releases its end,
the
world
will
no longer spin.


I dont like the way you seperated the last few lines but the words work great, i just dont think a new line for them is necessary. Those are my problems with it, but i did really like this so nice.
#9
Ive given the first stanza a complete makeover and really worked over the second one as well.

Its a lot better now, and sorry for any of the crits i owe, im a little backed up on paybacks and saving my critinergy for tomorrow after working on perfecting my two pieces tonight.

any furthered opinions on the new and improved version are much appreciated.
#11
I liked the first paragraph a lot not only did it flow well but it was very descriptive. On the third like i dont know but i think it might sound better as in one in two in three rather than in one in two or three i dont know why i just think it rolls of the tongue much more easily. Towards the end of the first paragraph i felt it began to lose a bit of its flow though that could have been deliberate because it was quite nice it almost slowed you down as you came to the next paragraph.
I cant really pick any faults with the second paragraph it was really good and i loved the last lines and how they were written rather than in the first paragraph where it ended with long words with a harder rhythm this was simple and very effective i liked it a lot.
Please check out mine in my sig not as good but i guess weve got to start somewhere!