#1
Crit4Crit (this is a poem)
Changed it alot. Now it's more like what I usually write, please tell me what you think of the change. Sorry but I didn't even try to correct my punctuation or grammar. I'm not sure if anyone will like it, but when I think that people usually just like it more.


"Parade"

Confetti covers every inch of ground
I watch in awe as it rains down

The reds say bled
The greens say misled
Written on the blue, is heartache
Written on the black, is mistake
The yellow says lies
The orange says despise

Everyday it keeps getting deeper
and I'll make sure it keeps raining
so all you'll see
is colorful confetti
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 19, 2007,
#2
The word 'Black' comes to mind.

Sorry, had to be said.

However, as a short piece it's good, and I like the imagery of it for a start. Also, nice idea to keep it short, it's great to hear a short song, and just as good if you want to use it as more of a break during an otherwise instrumental song.

EDIT: PS, I'm tired, so forgive my rather lacking vocabulary at this late hour *coughs*
#3
The meaning I get from it? It looks like it's about covering up emotions with a smile, yes?
Wade in the water, child.
#4
parade as a verb isn't a less known meaning. gotta go now, ill take a longer look later, but from what i read, you need to fix your spelling so it looks more professional, asap .
#5
Okay I thought about it, the meaning I got out of it that I liked the most was the grey is a secret or something like that, and the confetti is a bunch of lies you get buried in. At least that's what I got out of it.

You owe Paper Hearts one crit.
#6
Alright here's a few advice. If you are going for a shorter piece that says more within fewer words, be sure to sharpen your vocab too. Rain is, in my opinion, a metaphor a bit too weak for such a piece, unless you'd develop it more. Same goes with L1 of S2.

You have some good parts, like the ending lines, but I think it should be developed further, within the format. Extrapolate your thoughts into something more precise, more inspiring for the reader. Give us tasteful imagery, that's the way, imho, to make a short piece much more enjoyable.

However, this is not a bad attempt. It's actually pretty good, but I like being overly critical .

PS
Thanks for saving mine from page 2 .

-Mathieu
#7
First things first- it need spunctuation. I swear I remember telling you that last time, unlike songwriting poetry needs punctuation. Desperately.

For me this was pretty much a let down after a good month for you. Really weak, I feel, and just didn't excite or ignite any emotion in me whatsoever.

Stronger, more meaningulf wording and expression, and punctuation.

#9
I like the use of colourful imagery, and i found the meaning clear and definitely relatable. I agree with others that "rain" isn't strong enough to convey the emotion of the piece, especially when it follows the word "awe". would be interested to know why you related those particular colours to those descriptions. i guess red for heartache, and green for misled signs (sort of like green traffic lights that took you astray).
i'm looking forward to reading the changes
if you have time, could you crit mine. thank you.https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=505498
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I liked it.
Is it about fucking?