#1
Fuck. Just Fuck.


A Jujitsu dusk
Is the worst time to drive because of the
Layers of serpentine fog that lap and lick at the windshields
And lashes. But the seclusion also makes it
The best time to kiss and to hold
And to mold your eyes in such a way that they are closed—
Jujitsu dusk is careless,
Dangerously pale.

A hostile musk
Pressing itself into me—the fog’s outline looks like you—
But the smell of burning asphalt arouses us to charm the air—
It’s the best time to kiss, when the sky looks to be dying,
Flailing its light to the ground, desperate for a tether
To the cars passing through the slithering horizon—
A hostile musk, calling us
To fall through the floor mats into the whirr of the axel.
A hostile musk, smelling salt.

A citrus alcohol,
Poured on our skin so that all of our imperfections burn red,
Making them so visible that we close our eyes for fear of blindness--
And I thrust jumper cable-snakes together.
Why the hell wont you wake up…

We drive blindly into fright-less tunnel walls,
We drive careless into the icy forked night—
Through my eyelid it’s dark enough to see your outline—
The best time to kiss—
And that’s all it takes to fall through the guardrail
And slip into a fighting coma— a Jujitsu dusk.

You look so cute when you’re covered in hospital sheets,
Dangerously calm, dangerously pale, dangerously free.

And I miss you. Jesus fucking Christ I miss you.
And I kiss you, but no one kisses back
Except a careless dawn, reflected in the serpent clouds,
Falling, light out of the sky.
#2
i loved it.

my only complaint is the one line where
you say "our imperfections burn red".
that just seems really cliche. but.
maybe it's just me. but anyways.
i loved it and i could really feel the
emotion you put into it. i also liked
how you brought up "jujitsu dusk"
near the end again. it just seemed to
help everything tie itself up. so. yes.

good job. i really enjoyed this.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
I liked it, but the first time through the way the peice progressed was a little weird, it kinda felt like you jumped from one thing to the next. You repeat a lot of things, but I think you pulled it off well, cause even though it repeditive it's repeditive in a good way.

plz leave a comment on my latest "parade" links in my sig.
#5
That was really pretty great. The first stanza threw me off as a bit out of place but the poem on a whole seemed to get better and better throughout. Well done, I enjoyed that, not to mention the flow.
#6
Quote by #1 synth
Thanks. Kyle, right? Sorry I havent had the pleasure of meeting you before, so, uh, nice to meet you .

Anything you want me to check out?

1) yes, it is kyle.
2) you can check out my latest if you want :]

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
As a practitioner of jiu jitsu, I'm trying to figure out what the hell that metaphor is supposed to mean...
Hi, I'm Peter
#10
Quote by #1 synth
Fuck. Just Fuck.


A Jujitsu dusk
Is the worst time to drive because of the
Layers of serpentine fog that lap and lick at the windshields
And lashes. But the seclusion also makes it
The best time to kiss and to hold
And to mold your eyes in such a way that they are closed—
Jujitsu dusk is careless,
Dangerously pale.

meh random "and lashes" i like the rest

A hostile musk
Pressing itself into me—the fog’s outline looks like you—
But the smell of burning asphalt arouses us to charm the air—
It’s the best time to kiss, when the sky looks to be dying,
Flailing its light to the ground, desperate for a tether
To the cars passing through the slithering horizon—
A hostile musk, calling us
To fall through the floor mats into the whirr of the axel.
A hostile musk, smelling salt.

i dont like "slithering horizon" meh "axle"

A citrus alcohol,
Poured on our skin so that all of our imperfections burn red,
Making them so visible that we close our eyes for fear of blindness--
And I thrust jumper cable-snakes together.
Why the hell wont you wake up…


We drive blindly into fright-less tunnel walls,
We drive careless into the icy forked night—
Through my eyelid it’s dark enough to see your outline—
The best time to kiss—
And that’s all it takes to fall through the guardrail
And slip into a fighting coma— a Jujitsu dusk.

dont like icy forked id change eyelid to eyelids

You look so cute when you’re covered in hospital sheets,
Dangerously calm, dangerously pale, dangerously free.

And I miss you. Jesus fucking Christ I miss you.
And I kiss you, but no one kisses back
Except a careless dawn, reflected in the serpent clouds,
Falling, light out of the sky.


dude that last line ****ing rules seriously. you think its gonna be right out of the sky but its NOT its LIGHT and still makes perfect sense.

I love this dude, one of my favorite by you seriously.

return?

A deviant style of art.
#11
this is good.

the one thing that got me, well, the two things, were 1) "And to mold your eyes in such a way that they are closed—" which I just didn't like and 2) "Making them so visible that we close our eyes for fear of blindness--" the word visible, to me, isn't really something you can quantify. sure we say things like "low visibility" but when talking about a specific thing really it's either visible or invisible. I can't imagine a context where you'd say something is "so visible" I think it was just a bad choice of word there, though, could be switched with something else to completely save the line.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#12
You know what I've been saying you seem to throw too many seemingly-random scattered metaphors?

Well this one felt all tied up, and each one felt thought out and cohesive within the piece.

Brilliant. Do yourself a favour and at least be proud of this piece, if not anything else you've ever written. Great writing, and now you've set a new standard I feel
#13
idk, I actually felt that this could have been two different pieces here. I liked how it opened up and for three or four stanza's, we stayed on the same subject, so that is where I was hoping it would end. But then it felt like it took an odd shift, and cramed a crash scene, that to me felt rushed. If anything, you should put a little LESS emphasis on the beginning, and MORE on the actual crash....then I feel that it would be more balenced. Or possibly add suspense, make this a two parter.

Idk, this had potential, and certainly still does, but just needs a fix on balance.