#1
when i close my eyes
i dont see powdy lipped blondes
waiting to pleasure me at my command
i see scabs, blood and a river of flowing piss
and a bunch of fetus covered in sand
I close my eyes to try and see memories
i look hard but their covered by dead trees,
ugly faces, and broken teeth
I was looking at porn and i clicked on lesbian hot chicks
the guy liked, it was two guys sucking eachothers dicks
My imagincation gave its 2 weeks
notice a long time ago
it left me with bitter dreams
and a shattered ego
I hired another one but it ran away
and went to someone who can go a day
without having beastiality thoughts everyday
Last edited by highway62 at Jan 17, 2007,
#2
oh...my....sir, you need some serious help
RIG

Marshall MG 50DFX
Fender Stratocaster
Epiphone Les Paul Standered
Dunlop Original Cry Baby
Yamaha APX5A
RP 350
#3
interesting...............
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#9
Its disgusting and weird....... but its actually pretty well written.

I close my eyes to try and see memories
i look hard but their covered by dead trees,

Lines like this are really good, and show that you can write. Just maybe write about something different next time..

Crit mine?
Last edited by less_than_dave at Jan 18, 2007,
#11
Quote by less_than_dave
Its disgusting and weird....... but its actually pretty well written.

I close my eyes to try and see memories
i look hard but their covered by dead trees,

Lines like this are really good, and show that you can write. Just maybe write about something different next time..

Crit mine?



time out. how does that show that he can write? because he can string together two lines of approximate meter with exact rhyme? are you kidding me? is that the qualifications we now have for writing?? the kid can't master the distinction between their/they're and you're saying those lines are really good???

what happened to this forum? seriously?
#12
Quote by Phoebus
time out. how does that show that he can write? because he can string together two lines of approximate meter with exact rhyme? are you kidding me? is that the qualifications we now have for writing?? the kid can't master the distinction between their/they're and you're saying those lines are really good???

what happened to this forum? seriously?


Lol! I'm actualy imagining that you look like your picture now!
#13
no i've just...been on this forum for a very long time and watch it go from a tightknit group of regular, serious writers focused on improving each other to some asshat writing about his perverted masturbatory fantasies.
#14
no i've just...been on this forum for a very long time and watch it go from a tightknit group of regular, serious writers focused on improving each other to some asshat writing about his perverted masturbatory fantasies.



lets not fight over for a guy like this who wrotes such a discusting song
Hi
#16
Quote by Phoebus
no i've just...been on this forum for a very long time and watch it go from a tightknit group of regular, serious writers focused on improving each other to some asshat writing about his perverted masturbatory fantasies.


i cant believe you all took it so seriously. And its not about me its just about a guy whose imagination has left him. And who has the power to say another persons song/poem isnt good enough to be judged. you gotta lighten up man.
#17
i can say with a good amount of authority that this both sucks and blows. if you want me to get into why.... alright.


there is no rhyme scheme to the piece, just rhymes thrown in when you feel like it, there is no regular meter, powdy=pouty, their=they're, fetus should be plural, imagincation is not a word, awkward line break after "2 weeks" ruins what little flow you had, rhyming "day" twice in a row is pretty weak sauce

start with those basic grammatical problems and then we'll get into all the other things wrong with this piece.

--jay
#18
Quote by Phoebus
i can say with a good amount of authority that this both sucks and blows. if you want me to get into why.... alright.


there is no rhyme scheme to the piece, just rhymes thrown in when you feel like it, there is no regular meter, powdy=pouty, their=they're, fetus should be plural, imagincation is not a word, awkward line break after "2 weeks" ruins what little flow you had, rhyming "day" twice in a row is pretty weak sauce

start with those basic grammatical problems and then we'll get into all the other things wrong with this piece.

--jay



Who the hell cares about grammer and spelling? As long as you can understand the word. If i was publishing this in a book i might be more careful.....but oh yeah its a guitar website. And you need to stop looking at writing as so formal. Where does it say you have to have perfect rhyme schemes or meter? And ive read a few of your "songs" and i thought they sucked ass, but if thats your style of writing im not gonna critisize it except for right there when i said all of your songs sucked ass. So chill out man.
#20
Quote by Phoebus
you can think they suck ass, but there's one thing you're overlooking:

i'm published, and you're not.



by published do you mean a world famous author who is renown for his work? Or another starving would be artist who is an asshole.
#21
I'll take your sentences 1 by 1.
Quote by highway62
Who the hell cares about grammer and spelling?
As long as you can understand the word.
If i was publishing this in a book i might be more careful.....
but oh yeah its a guitar website.
And you need to stop looking at writing as so formal.
Where does it say you have to have perfect rhyme schemes or meter?
And ive read a few of your "songs" and i thought they sucked ass, but if thats your style of writing im not gonna critisize it except for right there when i said all of your songs sucked ass.
So chill out man.


I care about "grammer" and spelling.
It shows that YOU understand the word.
You're publishing on a website, hence you might want to correct so you don't look like an idiot.
It's a guitar website but you're in the S+L forum.
There's formal and acceptable. Writing without correct spelling is more unacceptable to your reader than "un-formal". If you want to see something un-formal, take a look at my latest, in my sig (yeah, right, I just plugged myself)
Nowhere, in fact, 1) nobody ever said that, 2) Jay never said that 3)so why are you even mentionning this?
You're saying you'll not criticize him but then you do?
You're the one who should chill out, man. Why? Because you used the expression "sucked ass" twice in the same (run-on) sentence.


hope that clears some things up.

Edit :
by published do you mean a world famous author who is renown for his work? Or another starving would be artist who is an asshole.


I don't get how YOU can even try to get at Jay writing-wise. If you're not "starving would be artist" then don't post here. Also, by the way, you don't have to be known to be an artist. And to finish all of this up, your work, compared to Jay's is 10083249839 times further of being "sold worldwide under the name of a world famous author". Jay is being published in small magazines and other modest stuff. Name me one author that did not begin this way? Considering his age it's almost the most he can do. writing takes some time. And practice. (some of it is used to correct grammar and spelling). So yeah. In short, suck off.
Last edited by circular.parade at Jan 18, 2007,
#23
Quote by circular.parade
I'll take your sentences 1 by 1.


I care about "grammer" and spelling.
It shows that YOU understand the word.
You're publishing on a website, hence you might want to correct so you don't look like an idiot.
It's a guitar website but you're in the S+L forum.
There's formal and acceptable. Writing without correct spelling is more unacceptable to your reader than "un-formal". If you want to see something un-formal, take a look at my latest, in my sig (yeah, right, I just plugged myself)
Nowhere, in fact, 1) nobody ever said that, 2) Jay never said that 3)so why are you even mentionning this?
You're saying you'll not criticize him but then you do?
You're the one who should chill out, man. Why? Because you used the expression "sucked ass" twice in the same (run-on) sentence.


hope that clears some things up.

Edit :


I don't get how YOU can even try to get at Jay writing-wise. If you're not "starving would be artist" then don't post here. Also, by the way, you don't have to be known to be an artist. And to finish all of this up, your work, compared to Jay's is 10083249839 times further of being "sold worldwide under the name of a world famous author". Jay is being published in small magazines and other modest stuff. Name me one author that did not begin this way? Considering his age it's almost the most he can do. writing takes some time. And practice. (some of it is used to correct grammar and spelling). So yeah. In short, suck off.



When i critisized him in my run on sentence was being sarcastic. And if you dont know that adn=and then thatys pretty pathetic. And dude read post more carefully because each one of your "comebacks" were kinda wrong. Spelling a word and understanding a word are two completely different things, if i put "adn" instead of "and" you think i don't know what and means? Also, your main man in the sand "Jay" said that meter and rhyme schemes were important. And if i knew he had his work published in small magazines i wouldnt have dared to voice my opinion against his. Ill just conceed right now because you and jay are to cool for school.
#24
with all the respect that i have for every stranger in this world just look at ur piece

is this the best you can write about, when people say be creative they dont mean u to be a total idiot just look at some lines

I was looking at porn and i clicked on lesbian hot chicks
the guy liked, it was two guys sucking eachothers dicks



now tell me what kind of guy can even think, forget about writing lines like these
Hi
#25
Quote by abhishek21
with all the respect that i have for every stranger in this world just look at ur piece

is this the best you can write about, when people say be creative they dont mean u to be a total idiot just look at some lines


now tell me what kind of guy can even think, forget about writing lines like these



ehh im tired of arguing
#26
he said they were important. and they are. But you don't HAVE to use them all the time. And I told you, If you write "and" "adn", it turns off your reader and he can't appreciate your work at it's due value. Writing is playing with your mastery of the English language. It has to be in substance but also in style. Don't tell me you can write if you can't spell a 3 letter word correctly. Of course I'll understand. But I think I've been clear enough so far.

I'm not "too cool for school" . I'm just trying to tell you that you won't get as much help and reads here if you don't mind spelling properly. It's the basics. If you're lazy while writing, people won't mind criticizing, because it shows that you don't care.

I hope you'll see my points. If not, I'll give up and EnKoOrAGe UY two stawrt a WriTiNG foRum where ppl can wryt lyk dat

Edit : and it's not to keep you arguing. What I say, I think, is important and I'm trying to explain you why. I know this place. that's all. Believe me.


Or don't.
#27
^ Good. Can you bugger off while you're at it? I should have read through this thread sooner. Sorry Jay.

I dont care much for your opinions on "...a guitar website", or S+L to be specific: to be honest its as little as I care about you. If theres anything more diminished then I'd be hiring Hubble for the day. If you have those opinions you voice them with me.

You should learn to treat yourself with more respect, not to mention your contemporaries. You present a piece of work like this anywhere, including here, then its a piece of you, it reflects you as a person, God forbid anyone would actually want to come back to a piece of yours. Cause thats where the problem lies, you're killing your own name. You present work like this it wouldn't suprise me if I was the one flicking a quid at you on the street.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.