#1
The premise of this is simply a fairytale gone wrong. This incorporates a couple of ideas from previous songs and poems, which some of you hopefully will notice. I really like this but you may rip it to shreds if you wish. I'll be on here all night so crits will be returned pronto.

This is a time for forgiving and forgetting
But the piper lies on the floor bleeding
The jack-in-the-docks has the knife in his hand
Congenial, he throws it into the air
And way up in the sky
The Queen of Stars cried
The Orion Moon was bronze

The masked dealer composed a mighty dirge
A requiem fit for a king
Yet under countless shining stars
They strolled in a sombre pale light
And way up in the sky
The Queen of Stars cried
The Orion Moon was bronze

Crimson tides are streaming by his grave
They remember everything he gave
And the one-eyed murderer with his story to tell
Laid a rose on the stone and wished his soul well

The Orion Moon shone wanly that evening
Limping through the sky with a cut to his forehead
The Queen of Stars accompanies him with her songs to soothe
A glass of water and a loaf of stale bread

The old men in the towerhall laid their lances on the ground
In remembrance of a friend who fell at the hands of a child’s toy
The trees they quivered and shook and rustled without a sound
And the pale hand of a weathered mother held the hand of her boy
And way up in the sky
The Queen of Stars, she cried
The Orion Moon was bronze
Last edited by Dæmönika at Jan 21, 2007,
#2
that was very well written, i liked how it told somewhat of a story especially because my most recent piece tells a story and is around the same length if not a slight bit longer.

my only real complaint is how frequently the subject changed, it made it hard to follow at times but it wasn't really as bad as that may make it sound.

good work.
#3
This is a time for forgiving and forgetting
But the piper lies on the floor bleeding
And the jack-in-the-docks has the knife in his hand
Smiling, he throws it into the air
And way up in the sky
The Queen of Stars cried
The Orion Moon was bronze

Nice alliteration in L1, it really rolls off the tongue. I'm not too fond of starting both L2 and L3 with conjunctions, it sounds like you're really stretching it. In L4, I think you can find a better word than smiling, like smirking or something.

The masked dealer composed a mighty dirge
A requiem fit for a king
Yet under countless shining stars
They walked in a sombre pale light
And way up in the sky
The Queen of Stars cried
The Orion Moon was bronze

For L4 I would suggest using strolling instead of walking, sounds better in my head.

Crimson tides are streaming by his grave
They remember everything he gave
And the one-eyed murderer with his story to tell
Laid a rose on the stone and wished his soul well

I love this verse. This is great imagery.

The Orion Moon shone lazily that evening
Limping through the sky with a cut to his forehead
The Queen of Stars accompanies him with her songs to soothe
A glass of water and a loaf of stale bread

L1 sounded a bit awkward, it may be lazily.

The old men in the towerhall laid their lances on the ground
In remembrance of a friend who fell at the hands of a child’s toy
The trees they quivered and shook and rustled without a sound
And the pale hand of a weathered mother held the hand of her boy
And way up in the sky
The Queen of Stars, she cried
The Orion Moon was bronze

L3 I don't like the reflexive use of they, seemed unecessary in my head and the overused ands in your list. I like the ending, very appropriate.

Overall, this is great. I love the imagery and tone of the song, it's different than most of the stuff on here. None of the rhyming forced, and I like how you mixed up the rhyming meter without messing up the song. The structure is brilliant, very subtle. Awesome song, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
Oh i love the Orion Moon, but be careful not to overdo it in too many poems. That said, i really loved this as a whole - it just appitamises (sp? i'm way too tired) your best work.

Not much more to say right now really... sorry.
#5
Cheers everyone. I shall tend to some preening now and try and make this better.

Calum, I believe it's epitomises, but I'm not sure. Thanks for the read through.
#6
ok personally i disagree with nerk. The only thing i felt that really needed pointed out, because it stood out so much for me was this verse

Crimson tides are streaming by his grave
They remember everything he gave
And the one-eyed murderer with his story to tell
Laid a rose on the stone and wished his soul well

its not so much the content, but the rhyming. Its just so simple and just meh...

that is all though other wise nice, it wasnt quite my style, a little too idk mechanical for my tastes but i dig it.

return?

a deviants style of art, in my sig.