#1
Nothing but the last words spoken,
the god of restraint tore her to pieces,
despite constraints imposed,
I can still hear her resonate,
discussing in depth the meaning of every word.

Turned away,
to hide her face and guilt,
among the trees, even their leaves,
to feed her love of sorrow,
which reduces her body to a shade,
a sheet of air,
and yet her voice remains.

Aside from reccurence of inaudible discourse,
cutting my ears,
I am pleased to know she always hears,
every last word,
the echoes of solitary words,
telling us not to dwell on this misfortune.

Turned away,
to hide her face and guilt,
among the trees, even their leaves,
to feed her love of sorrow,
which reduces her body to a shade,
a sheet of air,
and only her voice remains.

Be not like me.
I am alone.


Comments telling me it's good or sucks or that I'm completely crazy are always accepted, and any other suggestions, just let me know you looked please.
Last edited by Matt.Chavie at Jan 28, 2007,
#2
i looked lol and i liked for the most part i didn't really feel that the last line of the 1st verse flowed at all... but i get what ur trying to say... 2nd verse is my favorite, that one flows very well, just didn't like the rhyming of "word" with "word" the chorus is good and solid with good flow even though it doesn't rhyme.. but i like that
good job man

crit mine please---> This Is Tragedy
#3
Theirs a lot of imagery in this one. and most of it works. despite containts imposed thats supposed to be constraints rite? anyway thats my fave line
#5
This is really good. You've got some great description. "a sheet of air" is my favourite line, sounds very cool.

discussing in depth the canonical jurisdiction of every word.

This line seems a bit wordy to me, maybe it would flow better if you simplified it. Up to you though, it might go really well in the song. (I'm just annoyed cos I don't know what canonical means! )

Anyway, good job. Could you crit my latest? (although since you name's Chavie you might find it a bit insulting!)
#6
read it,
and I gotta say,
I love it

you have great metaphors and similies in it and like, it just flows together in such a neat way

10/10