#1
this is my first attempt personally i could do better its in the style of atreyu/silverstein any tips of improving will be cool


i see her dancing
around my coffin
dressed in black
dripped in blood
hiding behind a hood of lies


Vendetta of hate
vendetta of anger
with all things said
did you ever expect this

(Chrous)
Put ur hand in mine and never let go
(never let go)
Hand over my heart gun to my head
Understand the tragedy of letting go

staring into a shame filled hole
You see the real me
Picking at my darkend soul
and then you'll see my pain


(Chrous)
Put ur hand in mine and never let go
(never let go)
Hand over my heart gun to my head
Understand the tragedy of letting go

(Guitar Solo)


(Chrous)
Put ur hand in mine and never let go
(never let go)
Hand over my heart gun to my head
Understand the tragedy of letting go
#2
Sorry to say this but it's a string of cliches. No offense, if you listen to enough popular music or read as many songs in S&L as I have, you'd know these lines have been said so many times they've lost almost all meaning. If your satisfied with your writing, then it's good, my first peice was cliche to, so's almost everyone elses, but after a while you realize the cliche lines aren't strong enough. For your first piece it's perfectly okay.

please crit my latest, parade, links in my sig.
#3
I totally understand what your saying there all the stuff i think of come straight away an are totally different 2 this and b4 i get chance 2 write it down it disapears