#1
This is the first song I’ve written so please don’t bash me to hard, but constructive crit would be very helpful, thanx.

On Impact


Falling from the sky
Slipping through the cracks
Knowing I might die
Because tomorrow never lasts

The ground is coming faster
I think that this might hurt
I hope I don’t hit concrete
I want to land in the dirt


(chorus)
I know what its like
To see the northern lights
From up high
Up high
Up high
Up high
From up high
Up high
Up high
Up high
I know what its like to fly
To fly
To fly
To fly
I don’t want to die
To die
To die
To die
But don’t catch me
Don’t save me
(end chorus)

just before impact
they’re all staring at me
once I hit the ground
they finally see

I’ve broken my arm
Injured my wing
I know that there freaked out
But I don’t care about a thing
(Chorus)
Now that I’ve hit the ground
I’m standing right back up
I hear a familiar sound
The cops are calling for back up

I’m flying toward the sky
Flapping my injured wing
Trying to get higher
Like a child on a swing.
#2
On Impact


Falling from the sky
Slipping through the cracks
Knowing I might die
Because tomorrow never lasts

This is pretty good, I like the way it kinda rhymes, but not perfectly (the 2nd and 4th lines). One think I don't really like is 'Knowing I might die'. All the other lines are sort of metaphors and subtle meanings, and 'Knowing I might die' is pretty straightforward. Maybe 'The end is getting nigh' or something would be better.

No big problem though.



The ground is coming faster
I think that this might hurt
I hope I don’t hit concrete
I want to land in the dirt

To be honest, this isn't all that great. 'I want to land on the dirt' sounds forced and doesn't really work in with the flow at all. Pretty much the whole stanza is kinda like the 3rd line from the previous one. The 2nd line, however, would probably work alright if the song is not literally falling out of the sky, but losing something like your mind or something.


(chorus)
I know what its like
To see the northern lights
From up high
Up high
Up high
Up high
From up high
Up high
Up high
Up high
I know what its like to fly
To fly
To fly
To fly
I don’t want to die
To die
To die
To die
But don’t catch me
Don’t save me
(end chorus)

I don't know about what the rhythm is like here, so I can only really comment on the lyrics. From how I see it, it is pretty good, however it would probably be better without the 'Don't save me' part.


just before impact
they’re all staring at me
once I hit the ground
they finally see

Meh, I dunno. It's alright, but kinda like what I said about the other verse applies here too. It's alright I guess, just kinda meh.


I’ve broken my arm
Injured my wing
I know that there freaked out
But I don’t care about a thing

YES! This is starting to get a bit better. I don't like the term 'freaked out' for this kind of song, but apart from that it's alright. How about 'insane' or something? That sounds alot cooler.


(Chorus)
Now that I’ve hit the ground
I’m standing right back up
I hear a familiar sound
The cops are calling for back up

Pretty much the same as the other verses. The last line would probably be better as just 'The cops call for backup' or something.



I’m flying toward the sky
Flapping my injured wing
Trying to get higher
Like a child on a swing.

The first 2 lines here are pretty lame. The last 2 lines are good. The child on a swing thing is very good. Obviously not the best metaphor in the history of music, but you definitely have the right idea, and that is the main thing. You just need to add some more stuff like that IMO.


Overall I give this song 5.5/10. It can do with a fair bit of work, but very good for a first song. I'm sure your next song will be even better.

I recommend you read some songs by other UG members and see if you can understand what I mean about why I didn't like some of the verses. I don't know the exact words to explain it, maybe someone else can help me explain it.

Check out the lyrics to this one, see if it helps:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=506163