#1
crit for crit. this song is kind of a follow up to my other song (https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502524). well, it's not so much a follow up, but it's about the same character as that one is. i'm not too sure if i like the second bit at all, but i'll let you guys help me decide if it's worth anything. "isolation" is a very tentative title. i cannot think of anything to go in it's place, but i thought isolation is a good adjective to describe the theme of this piece, so there it is.

a dirty mirror,
now shards on the floor.
nobody can hear her,
can see to her core.
"once upon a time,
there were pictures on this shelf.
now i have no reminder,"
she cries to herself.

she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and alone.
she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and has no place to call 'home.'

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notes: i'm not a fan of the word "reminder" at all, but no other words which carry it's meaning sound any good either. for instance: memento, remembrance. i want a word that is at least sort of synonymous to those words, but i'm pretty much stuck. i thought about having the word "reflection" go there, and i think it sounds pretty good, but it doesn't agree with the theme that i am trying to convey.

also, another thing i can't decide if i like is the "no place to call 'home.' bit. to me it comes off as sounding forced. i was thinking of changing it to "no place to atone," which sounds equally forced to me.
#2
I certainly like this quite alot. The verse has very good lyrics, and I enjoy the flow. Seeing as you don't like the word 'reminder', how about 'forgotten' or 'lost memories' something like that. For example:

now i have no reminder

Could be

my memory lost forever

Or something like that.


And as far is I am concerned, the 'No place to call home' line is not forced at all. The whole chorus is generally quite good.
#3
thanks, jhardcore.

i just added a new verse and fixed the first, so any more crits would be more than welcome.

-----------

a dirty mirror,
now shards on the floor.
nobody can hear her,
can see to her core.
"once upon a time,
there were pictures on this shelf.
my past has been forgotten,"
she cries to herself.

she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and alone.
she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and has no place to call 'home.'

then two weeks later,
they found her with a knife.
she gave away her future,
by taking her own life.
a note clutched in her left hand
contained a single phrase,
"without my hollow presence,
the world will be the same."
#4
I like that last verse, but how about putting "again" after same? Just a thought.
Get off my lawn.