#1
Through nicotine cravings and cocaine mirrors
I painted my feelings and filled them full.
Full with black and brown and gray,
Turning this addiction into the Bronx,
Into an accurate representation of the gauche.
I became a deviant’s style of art, separated
From mainstream and a little more alternative.
I was smoking, smoking, not smoking.
Hoping to finally find a little inspiration.

I painted people coated in ice talking
About facts and memories they will
Never get back. It’s never quite the same.
I skated through abortions and jobs.
Slaughtering their backs with slits,
Slits of sixth grade enjoyment.
I turned their narcissism into sadness
Throwing their wallets into wishing wells.

I collided with crashing minds faulting
In jail for the mistake they remember forever.
So I applauded them because they’ve succeeded
Proving some people actually regret and sorrow.
He’s sorrow, he’s anger, he’s me, and he’s the gauche.

I broke that mirror, tired of painting the same picture.
Waiting for someone to finally give me some color,
To draw like we did in sixth grade without the slits.
I broke the palette, washed the paint, knowing you could always
Paint a better picture anyway.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jan 19, 2007,
#2
Wow man, I've been liking what I've seen on UG lately. Including this. This is pretty damn solid writing, I dont have a lot of qualms in it other than flow issues here and there, but that's really not all that important.
#3
Damn that was good, read like a) the most amazing speech ever and b) an amazing prose (i think that's what it's called right? :P: non rhyming and all)

It sucked me in and i was hoping there was more, it was ended really well, you got everything out, resolved it perfectly

Great piece man
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#6
I much prefer this to some of the more recent stuff you've posted.

Pretty good. I'll try my best to go through it fully later on. PM if I don't get to it in a couple of days and you still want some crit.
#8
Overall, this has a nice consistant dark tone to it, and a topic that I can relate to, especially coming from my earlier years during my teens. I can't quite pin down who your are comparing yourself to at the end, possibly a brother or best friend, but that actually doesn't really matter, cause the little bit of mystery you leave us with is nice.

I should have mine up soon, if you want to look.

EDIT: haha, I forgot that you were looking in a mirror....i get it now
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jan 18, 2007,
#11
Wow, I'm actually pretty amazed by that piece. You're painting wonderful images, and yet they are very moving. Also, it flows very well. Man, I wish I'd had something helpful to say but your vocab and diction are excellent. Sorry to be able to give you nothing but a good review .

Link of mine's in my sig, but with such an helpful comment I don't even expect you to get to it so don't worry .

Keep posting stuff.
-Mathieu
#12
Through nicotine cravings and cocaine mirrors
I painted my feelings and filled them full.

Good alliteration, adds to a strong opening. Also adds a somewhat eerie atmosphere imo.

Full with black and brown and gray,

don't particularly like the two "full"s in a row really. I think I'd prefer a similie for the boring colours here, I dunno, though I also like the specifciness. Meh.

Turning this addiction into the Bronx,
Into an accurate representation of the gauche.

I don't thin kthese two lines flow greatly into each other here.

I became a deviant’s style of art separated
From mainstream and a little more alternative.

If the lack of a comma is to show the alternative art, then great. If not, I suggest putting in one after "art".

I was smoking, smoking, not smoking.
Hoping to finally find a little inspiration.

Nice.

I painted people coated in ice talking
About facts and memories they will
Never get back. It’s never quite the same.

Last line seems pretty weak compared to the rest. I know you were probably going for a simple statment here but I really think it could be stronger and more meaningful.

I skated through abortions and jobs.
Slaughtering their backs with slits,
Slits of sixth grade enjoyment.
I turned their narcism into sadness
Throwing their wallets into wishing wells.

Narcissm? idk I thought it had two S's... Nice wording here, I like it. Great flow.

I collided with crashing minds faulting
In jail for the mistake they remember forever.

"Faulting in jail" doesn't sound right for me, although I like the collide/fault wording, like the earths shell cracking, lovely image if thats what you were going for.

So I applauded them because they’ve succeeded,
Proving some people actually regret and sorrow.
He’s sorrow, he’s anger, he’s me, and he’s the gauche

I can't remember seeing sorrow as a verb. Idk that might just be me being dumb. Full stop to finish this with? I like the last line here though, very nice.

I broke that mirror, tired of painting the same picture.
Waiting for someone to finally give me some color,
To draw like we did in sixth grade without the slits.
I broke the palette, washed the paint, knowing you could always
Paint a better picture anyway.

Fantastic riting to finish, I think. For me the best I've seen from you since you've been here regulrarly again.

Great images and ideas, and of course great flow and tone. A few lines I think could be improved and some punctuation added.
Other than that, another fine read

In my sig if you could, nuthin' special though. thanks if you can.
#14
Hey I really like this, for some reason it flows really well in my head, it reminds me of something you'd hear on Def Poetry Jam, get Russell Simmons on the line...

crit one of mine if you so desire...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#15
Through nicotine cravings and cocaine mirrors
I painted my feelings and filled them full.


A bit cliche and overused imagery used here. Replacing 'painted' or 'feelings' with something else my improve this verse tremendously.

I was smoking, smoking, not smoking.
Hoping to finally find a little inspiration.


Reminds me a bit of Longview.... Anyways, I really like the way you phrased the last line. It rolls off the tongue and closes the verse perfectly.

I painted people coated in ice talking
About facts and memories they will
Never get back. It’s never quite the same.


I love the subtle rhyming scheme, doesn't sound forced or run the song. Talking, IMO, doesn't seem like a strong enough word there.

Same thing with 'I painted', I'm not really digging the imagery there.

I skated through abortions and jobs.
Slaughtering their backs with slits,
Slits of sixth grade enjoyment.


Love the first line, though the last one here, seems way too simple to be in this song. I suggest rewording that somehow.

Throwing their wallets into wishing wells.


Nice alliteration.

He’s sorrow, he’s anger, he’s me, and he’s the gauche.


Didn't care for this line too much. I don't think it's necessary to have it phrased like this. Could just be me though...

I broke that mirror, tired of painting the same picture.
Waiting for someone to finally give me some color,
To draw like we did in sixth grade without the slits.
I broke the palette, washed the paint, knowing you could always
Paint a better picture anyway.


I like the last line, but the rest of it, IMO, was not up to par with the rest of the song. I like how you tie everything together here, but it just doesn't seem as great as the rest to me. I can't place what it is exactly.... I'll have to think about it.

Overall, this song kicks ass, major ass, man. I love it. The most impressive thing would have to be the flow. I might even go as far to say it has the best flow of any song I have ever read on here. Other than the things I mentioned above, the content was fine and the imagery not half bad. Hope this helps a bit. Great job.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#16
Thanks man, i was expecting something like "great" from someone that ive never seen around. Excellent crit. The painting and the mirrors is actually quite practical rather than imagery. I seriously mean painting on a mirror. Streecarp noticed that at the end im actaully talking to myself in the last two lines, into that broken mirror. But yeah like i was going for a painting over myself type of thing. But yeah thanks man, glad you liked it.
#17
I suppose you found a good deviantart page or something that inspired this. anyway, I wasn't too big of a fan, it was long and was filled with too much description. I was picturing too many things and everything seemed muddled and clumped together. There wasn't enough "inner monologue."

also, i ****ing hate gouache, it's ugly and hard to paint with.
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#18
Quote by TrigFunction
Thanks man, i was expecting something like "great" from someone that ive never seen around. Excellent crit. The painting and the mirrors is actually quite practical rather than imagery. I seriously mean painting on a mirror. Streecarp noticed that at the end im actaully talking to myself in the last two lines, into that broken mirror. But yeah like i was going for a painting over myself type of thing. But yeah thanks man, glad you liked it.


Oh, okay. I get what you're saying, that makes sense. Nevermind my crit then, I'm a bit slow sometimes.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#20
I loved your use of words in here. Also, some well-known techniques which are rarely implemented, the synecdoche and alliteration being the main ones I noticed. I'm having a hard time getting into any real detail with this because I'm writing a series of pieces in a pretty similar vein to this.

I've just seen 'carp's realisation that you were talking to the mirror. I've written at least three songs/poems which involves communication with a mirror. It's good to see someone else use a mirror in this way, and the way you cleverly "revealed" it at the end is a good device.
#21

Through nicotine cravings and cocaine mirrors
I painted my feelings and filled them full.
Full with black and brown and gray,seems wierd with all the "ands"
Turning this addiction into the Bronx,
Into an accurate representation of the gauche.
I became a deviant’s style of art, separated
From mainstream and a little more alternative.
I was smoking, smoking, not smoking.
Hoping to finally find a little inspiration. this is deep, I really like it

I painted people coated in ice talking
About facts and memories they will
Never get back. It’s never quite the same.
I skated through abortions and jobs.
Slaughtering their backs with slits,
Slits of sixth grade enjoyment.
I turned their narcissism into sadness
Throwing their wallets into wishing wells. this flows amazingly well, some of it seems a bit cliche, but it just fits in their so good, if you know what I mean.

I collided with crashing minds faulting
In jail for the mistake they remember forever.
So I applauded them because they’ve succeeded
Proving some people actually regret and sorrow.
He’s sorrow, he’s anger, he’s me, and he’s the gauche.really good, but doesn't flow as well as the previous stanze IMO

I broke that mirror, tired of painting the same picture.
Waiting for someone to finally give me some color,
To draw like we did in sixth grade without the slits.
I broke the palette, washed the paint, knowing you could always
Paint a better picture anyway. Nice, interesting and flows well

I love it, amazing flow, really deep, and it isn't as simple as my youger brother, lol. Definately a 10/10 IMO. If you get the chance, could you crit mine too (see sig) Thanks
#22
Through nicotine cravings and cocaine mirrors
I painted my feelings and filled them full.
Full with black and brown and gray,
Turning this addiction into the Bronx,
Into an accurate representation of the gauche.
I became a deviant’s style of art, separated
From mainstream and a little more alternative.
I was smoking, smoking, not smoking.
Hoping to finally find a little inspiration.

I don't like the "black and brown and grey" line, I just feel it's being used as a filler (because of the constant use of "and"). Gauche is a great word, excellent choice. The whole deviant's style of art is overdone in so many ways, they even have Deviant Art the website which I know is unrelated, not trying to be harsh but I'm just saying it seems a little overused. The cigarette addiction is reference is a tad cliche as well, but other than that I like it. It has a great style of writting though.

I painted people coated in ice talking
About facts and memories they will
Never get back. It’s never quite the same.
I skated through abortions and jobs.
Slaughtering their backs with slits,
Slits of sixth grade enjoyment.
I turned their narcissism into sadness
Throwing their wallets into wishing wells.

This is more like it, I love this stanza 1,000 times more than the previous. I still think the whole "painting a picture of... blahblahblah" style stanzas are highly abused in songwritting lately, but to be honest I like this one. Great work here.

I collided with crashing minds faulting
In jail for the mistake they remember forever.
So I applauded them because they’ve succeeded
Proving some people actually regret and sorrow.
He’s sorrow, he’s anger, he’s me, and he’s the gauche.

I like the bringing up of the word gauche again, nice . I wasn't feeling this stanza, the whole jail thing just ruined it for me, jail is such a blunt word, but then again I sort of like it for it's bluntness.

I broke that mirror, tired of painting the same picture.
Waiting for someone to finally give me some color,
To draw like we did in sixth grade without the slits.
I broke the palette, washed the paint, knowing you could always
Paint a better picture anyway.

More picture painting reference, though that is the songs metaphorical theme, I just don't like the idea of painting a picture being used. But other than that I LOVE this closer. Great song all in all just a few things I didn't like as much.

I like this much better than I liked the Synthetic piece, great work. The only thing I didn't like was the use of the theme "painting". I still think this is a great work though. Sorry if I'm coming off rough.
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