#1
Hey, this is a song I wrote about a month ago. It's about the end of my last year in middle school which was the best and yeah. Kind of cliche. I only have two verses right now though.

It's that time again
When the year fades away
To a beginning's end
And time is wasted out on trips
Long rides with close friends
Talking of the time we'll have
And how it'll be spent


Remember that day
The one we spent in the heat
We walked on the warm sand
Heard the sounds and witnessed the smells
Of the month after May
We saw the waves arrive and leave
And had things going our way
#4
It's that time again
When the year fades away
To a beginning's end
And time is wasted out on trips
Long rides with close friends
Talking of the time we'll have
And how it'll be spent

First thing, don't know if this was intentional, but time was used alot, almost to the point of redundacy. I would suggest mixing it up a bit with some other words. The first line to me, needs some revision, it needs to pull the listener/reader with some sort of hook, it should be one of the most interesting lines in the song. It's great, but not enough, IMO.


Remember that day
The one we spent in the heat
We walked on the warm sand
Heard the sounds and witnessed the smells
Of the month after May
We saw the waves arrive and leave
And had things going our way

The second line to me seems unecessarily wordy. I think you could take out "The one...". In the third line, I would suggest changing 'heard' to something better like the second verb, compared to 'witnessed the smells', 'heard the sounds' seems really bland. The last line needs some work also, it didn't really seem to close the song the right way. The tone was slightly different than the rest, and it wasn't specific enough to give us any sort of conclusion.

With some minimal revision, this could be great. I really like the flow you have going. None of the rhyming sounded forced which a big plus. I have to say, I really like the title, it really catches the eye and fits the song perfectly.

Well, I hope this helps. Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Quote by nerk13
It's that time again
When the year fades away
To a beginning's end
And time is wasted out on trips
Long rides with close friends
Talking of the time we'll have
And how it'll be spent

First thing, don't know if this was intentional, but time was used alot, almost to the point of redundacy. I would suggest mixing it up a bit with some other words. The first line to me, needs some revision, it needs to pull the listener/reader with some sort of hook, it should be one of the most interesting lines in the song. It's great, but not enough, IMO.


Remember that day
The one we spent in the heat
We walked on the warm sand
Heard the sounds and witnessed the smells
Of the month after May
We saw the waves arrive and leave
And had things going our way

The second line to me seems unecessarily wordy. I think you could take out "The one...". In the third line, I would suggest changing 'heard' to something better like the second verb, compared to 'witnessed the smells', 'heard the sounds' seems really bland. The last line needs some work also, it didn't really seem to close the song the right way. The tone was slightly different than the rest, and it wasn't specific enough to give us any sort of conclusion.

With some minimal revision, this could be great. I really like the flow you have going. None of the rhyming sounded forced which a big plus. I have to say, I really like the title, it really catches the eye and fits the song perfectly.

Well, I hope this helps. Great job, man.

Thanks, that helped me a lot. I'm gonna redo this song and add some different words. And the title is just a line I repeat to my friends a lot everytime we talk about those moments.