#1
In a dark tunnel underground
In a cave in which many sounds
Echo off the walls, echo off the walls

I’m slowly sinking in a lake,
Water come into my lungs
Make me fly out of this world

Into my journey across time,
The wind blows so hard
It knocks me down
I’m on my way

I’m on my journey across time,
I’m on my way
Through the day
Across time

I don’t pretend to be alone
I know in point of fact
That I’m by myself
I am long gone

And you are on your way
You’re catching up
Maybe then someday
I’ll cease to be alone
Cease to be alone

You are on your way
You’re catching up
Maybe then someday
I’ll cease to be alone
Cease to be alone

Just a note: I'm not looking for, 'this is crap", I'm really just looking for opinions on how I can make it better.
#3
Quote by clichealias
You can't post two in the same day.

Delete one and I'll critique one of them.


Please forgive the ignorance, I deleted the other one. It really pays to read the rules to forums.
#5
This on the whole started off as a piece with some decent lines, but it went down hill from the start. It's important to keep a consistant, interesting idea throughout.

You also might consider adding flavor, this just reads as a very bland piece of writing as it stands. It's okay and all, it's a lot better than I was expecting from a name I've never read.


-Jacob
#6
no offense or anything but i think your being to discriptive "water coming into my lungs"
and your skipping between subjects
i do that to though
but it doesnt help you make a good song
I Hate Wisconsin
#7
I suppose I should change the verses to fit more with each other. I meant the song to be about traveling through time as in living life, which is in fact, in the character's mind, the same as time travel because it is moving from the past, to the future. By the way, the album which the song is on is about insanity.