#1
This is one of the first lyrical pieces i have written i think it flows quite nicely but sounds dark especially as its for an acousitc song i am writing! But anyay here it is thanks:

Thousand Lives

Verse 1
I know your life itself has been frightening,
I hear your thoughts screaming at me,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you

Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past
Ending their dreams

Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
Could you run from your only one
Only touching knives, harming the world
Leaving your cold blood path behind you
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all

Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it have made emotional hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world

Please tell me how you think it is thank you and il c4c
Last edited by Vague Ideal at Jan 22, 2007,
#2
Verse 1
I know your life itself it was frightening,
I hear your thoughts truly terrifying,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you


1 st line no need for "itself it"
2 nd line try haunting if u still want same rhyme
3rd & 4th its a bit odd what i can suggest is

i beg to god this should change
not for me but for you


Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past
Ending their dreams


is it ur mind or u mean is it in ur mind u can try that also both sounds nice


Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all

chorus is good but for me its small for verse like that


Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it change or is your hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world

Please tell me how you think it is thank you and il c4c



other than that that flow is good but rhyming scheme is bit odd in some lines.
sort of a cliche no need to tell u that i hope . other then that its good
Hi
#3
thanks il try and complete the chorus il update it when i can get round to it cheers il get round to looking at yours tonight hopefully
#4
Thousand Lives

Verse 1
I know your life itself it was frightening,
I hear your thoughts they try to be haunting,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you

I like this opening stanza except for two things, the "it" and the "they", are words we usually put in our sentences when talking, kind of like "that", "at", and "for", every one does it while writing it's enevitable (?) but I think the lines would be better if just simply removed them.

Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past
Ending their dreams

I like this, and I don't say that I would really change it, I can't really get the flow but you've probably got one in your head.

Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
I can touch the lives of hundreds
You only touch knives, harming the world
Leaving your cold blood path behind you
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all

I like this stanza a lot also, except for L3, it seems kind of out of place to me, but it's a great chorus.

Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it change or is your hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

the second part of L2 seems awkward here, it doesn't go with the rest of the verse in my opinion.

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world

Great stanza and nice way to end this. All in all it's a good set of lyrics, and with a little revision it could be a great set... thanks for the crit....
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#5
cheers man thanks a lot iv updated it from what youve said and maybe a little more as well. If anyone else wants to have a look il have a look at yours thanks. just leave a link
#6

Verse 1
I know your life itself has been frightening,
I hear your thoughts screaming at me,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you Interesting start, but doesn't flow well, IMO

Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past try not to use past twice
Ending their dreams Again, doesn't flow well, IMO

Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
Could you run from your only one
Only touching knives, harming the world
Leaving your cold blood path behind you
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all A bit long, and again, it doesn't flow well , maybe I just need to hear the music with it,

Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it have made emotional hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world This verse flows much better than the first one

I thought it was okay, the first verse and the chorus didn't flow too well IMO, but other than that, it was good, not my cup of tea, but to each his own. 7/10
BTW...thanks for the crit on mine
#7
Thousand Lives

Verse 1
I know your life itself has been frightening,
I hear your thoughts screaming at me,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you

Quite possibly throw in "I beg (that) you'll" Although most lyrics don't have to be always grammaticaly correct, it just sounds better when saying it and hearing it for me. My biggest thing here is the I and you thing. Maybe try and switch that up just a lil bit because it does seem to be repeated quite a bit. Other than that, decent start.

Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past
Ending their dreams

Throw in the "it". Probably just a mistake on your part and not the song at least I would hope so. I do like the ending part there, sounds good.

Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
Could you run from your only one
Only touching knives, harming the world
Leaving your cold blood path behind you
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all

Great way to start out the chorus. Good opening line. It has good content and really shows the listener and reader the emotion you have. Good imagery and analogies. Probably could do a lil fixing in the set up, just cuz I don't see how it could sound too great sung, but I do really enjoy the words in it. So just a few touch ups would fix it or it may be fixed by how you sing it. Just depends.

Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it have made emotional hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

Decent vs. right here.

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world

This part is kind of weird to me. Just seems very strange and kind of out of sync, don't know what it is, but it's not horrible to say the least. I'll leave it at that just cuz I can't think of anything else to say about it.

This isn't bad for your first lyrical piece though. Just be sure that when you're writing to always leave lines open for change and different possibilities. I think you have potential.
#9
Thanks for the crit

In the first verse there's a lack of flow, that's usually important in songs, but it doesn't bother me. I didn't really care for the chorus, but maybe it'd sound better with music. Verse 2 was the best in the piece in my opinion. This isn't really my kind of piece but as a song I guess it's good.
#10
Verse 1
I know your life itself has been frightening,
I hear your thoughts screaming at me,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you

This stanza is good I like it. The only thing I would do is change the you'll to a you to.

Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past
Ending their dreams

Wow really like this one from what I can tell this person must have some painful memories of the past really good.

Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
Could you run from your only one
Only touching knives, harming the world
Leaving your cold blood path behind you
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all

This is pretty good the part that confuses me is "Only touching Knives, harming the world" I think that if you worked on this line a little more or just simply took it out this piece would be better. Still good job though

Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it have made emotional hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

This was confusing did you mean to put " I want to see when you were younger"? this stanza is really confusing hard to follow with the rest of the song.

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world

I like this one nothing really to say about it good job.

Overall it is a really good peice of work, just a few tweaks here and there still really good.
#11

Verse 1
I know your life itself has been frightening,
I hear your thoughts screaming at me,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you

the opening is good and in melody which i was trying to sing ,it had a good flow

Can’t change the past but you live now
What makes you do what you do?
Is it your mind or is your past
Ending their dreams

last line seems a bit disjointed to me


Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
Could you run from your only one
Only touching knives, harming the world
Leaving your cold blood path behind you cold blood does not add much of an impact here
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow
For that’s not a life at all

last line i didnt like it that much as compared to the whole chorus

Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it have made emotional hunger
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

Psychotic machinate hiding your past
Playing games right down to the last


i really loved these 2 lines

I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world




overall a good song but sometimes the flow is not that gr8 atleast in the melody in which i am trying to sing it ,. but 1 will give you 4/5 and thnx for the crit on mine. i will crit starlit entities later in the night i will look frwrd to see more of ur work
Hi
#12
Verse 1
I know your life itself has been frightening,
I hear your thoughts screaming at me,
I beg you’ll change
If not for me then for you
=====doesnt flow well at all

Can’t change the past but you live now=====i dont get the 'but you live now'
What makes you do what you do?===idk, i would finsih the line with 'now'
Is it your mind or is your past===cut out the second 'is'
Ending their dreams====try starting off with 'thats'

Chorus

I could live a thousand lives
And never be like you
Could you run from your only one
Only touching knives, harming the world===this line is were it started going bad
Leaving your cold blood path behind you===this line is ok....
You'll never see the light of day
And yet all I’d feel is sorrow====try cutting out the 'and'
For that’s not a life at all
===chorus is kinda bad, doesnt flow well.and its way to long
Verse 2

I want to see if you were younger
Could it have made emotional hunger===forced rhyme
You could live life the way you wanted
And never see me again

Psychotic machinate hiding your past===this uses more advanced words, which u didnt do in the rest of the song.
Playing games right down to the last
I feel that you can’t go much further
And yet you think you own the world


the whole thing didnt flow AT ALL in my opion, and it was choppy and some forced rhymes and weak lines. im sorry, but i didnt like it.5/10

crit my newest if ya could
#14
cheers guys to someone who said they didnt understand it its about a character in a book called "Dead Souls" (i might re-name it dead souls as it seems more fitting) by Ian Rankin who became a serial killer after he was raised in a family which was really screwed up and then he got captured im not sure if he stayed alive or was eventually killed but ye thats what its about, its done from the perspective of a character from within the book and what he knows.

Also reading through it i can see why almost everyone has said it doesnt flow but i do have a flow for the whole thing which is hard to describe but ye it does work. its a slow sad song which is all fingerpicked and may have a second guitar fingering something else so its a deep piece with my band which should sound good if it works out. Anyway thanks for all the crits.
Last edited by Vague Ideal at Feb 5, 2007,