#1
Everything I write these days is completely different... stylistically, tonally, structurally, etc. I'm still relatively content with this so even if it's a bit off the wall, bare with me since I'm still getting back into the swing of things. And despite what some of you might think... this piece isn't completely nonsensical. anyway, Crit 4 Crit as EYE C FIT. enjoy


Surprise

A week of daze resulted in injury;
days which ran on for the sake of the setting,
which were counted and kept track of 'til
no one remembered.

Pressure can only escalate for so long before it...
On the Fifth, the champagne!
On the Sixth, the chardonnay!
On the Seventh we lost count of which day it was...
Enduringly drunk, we blindly go for new world records
which would never be documented accurately
unless one of us sobered up
appropriately, immediately...
but now Joey's dead,
so 'AR'..'EYE'..'P'eace, buddy.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Jan 19, 2007,
#2
I like this. Short, sweet, not simple. The words used were simple but the way they were used and put together wasn't, and it made this sound more down-to-earth and personal, rather than something which means little to the writer.

which never would be recorded accurately

I think maybe swapping "never would" around with itself sounds better.

I'd be grateful if you could return this on Bronze, in my sig.
#3
Surprise

A week of days resulted in injury;
days which ran on for the sake of the setting,
which were counted and kept track of
until no one remembered.

This is an awesome paragraph. I've never seen something written like this before. Personally, I loved it. I love the vagueness of it, very passive. Solid introduction.

Pressure can only escalate but so much until...
On the fifth, the champagne!
On the sixth, the chardonnay!
On the seventh we'd lost count of which day it was,
permanently drunk, blindly going for some record
which never would be recorded accurately
unless one of us sobered up somewhat appropriately,
but now Joey's dead,
so ARE-EYE-PEE, buddy.

Very unique. Weird that champagne and chardonnay would lead to being permanently drunk. orrr drink it constantly BUM BUM BUM The end of the stanza changed tones completely crazy shit. But I liked. are eye pee lolz... silly boy.


i enjoyed it. it def wasnt senseless, didn't have the most meaning ever. but good writing.
<3
#6
Surprise

A week of days resulted in injury;
days which ran on for the sake of the setting,
which were counted and kept track of
until no one remembered.

I'm in love with this stanza. Especially, "days which ran on for the sake of the setting".

Pressure can only escalate but so much until...
On the fifth, the champagne!
On the sixth, the chardonnay!
On the seventh we'd lost count of which day it was,
permanently drunk, blindly going for some record
which would never be recorded accurately
unless one of us sobered up somewhat appropriately,
but now Joey's dead,
so ARE-EYE-PEE, buddy.

This is also great. I think that line seven could have been better, though. It just seems too obvious, and appropriately... ehh, it's just an awkward unneccesary rhyme for me.

The end is very Vonnegut, death depicted as a subtle satirical joke is something I'm quite fond of.

I liked it.
#7
Hey Blake, I actually think that this yhas a great chance of being something special....as of right now, it isn't bad, but I thought that you could've ended it a lot better.

I don't like when you use the words 'drunk' or 'sober' in the second stanza. they are too obvious and redundant. We can already assume that from when you mentioned the various types of drinks he consumed earlier on.

The last line doesn't fit at all with the over all seriousness i got from the rest of the piece. Up until that point, it seemed like it was someone you knew and/or care about. But after that last line, there is a lot of confusion. Only thing I can think of that you are trying to convey is the impossibility of avoiding death, and how we shouldn't always take it so seriously, sense this guy went out, peacefully shall we say.
#8
daemonika - i switched the two words you recommended i switch, thanks for the review. ill likely get to yours tomorrow, just be patient.

andrew - thanks for the positive review, but really there is more to the meaning of this song
than is shown at first. ill continue to explain with each response down...

alias - i didn't use appropriately simply because it rhymed with accurately, that was just a perfect plus to the scheme.

carpy - let me clear up some things for you:

......this piece may have come off as somewhat serious, but really its based around a group of friends who decided to get drunk every day for 7 days straight off of a different type of alcohol for each day of the week.
hence the 5th day was champagne, the 6th day was chardonnay, etc.

permanently drunk, blindly going for some record
which never would be recorded accurately
unless one of us sobered up somewhat appropriately,


This little excerpt here from the second stanza might sound confusing but the point is that the friends are trying to prove that they can come out of a week-long binging spree of 7 different excesses of alcoholic beverages (i.e. one type of drink to binge on per day) just fine, it would probably be some kind of a world record but no one would really even care or be able to make it into that big of a deal unless they were sober, which at this point is practically a laughing matter to these complete drunks.

And then seemingly out of nowhere, one of the friends dies an alcohol-induced death and all his friends who encouraged him on to that point are all so drunk from 7 days of binging that they hardly notice, hence the "ugly" spelling-out of the letters R-I-P (ARE-EYE-PEE,) to signify the befuddled loudness of any person drunk far beyond their natural limit.

I know it's normally frowned on to explain out the things you write for the readers, and I usually agree. But there are some cases where I just feel it has to be done such as this one, where the meaning is all there and easy to see but is easily mistaken for false meanings fabricated by the individual imaginations of each reader who indulges themself.

I'm done. Thanks for the kind comments everyone.
#10
blakey, do me a favor. change the first line to "A week of daze resulted in injury;"
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#12
I made a hell of a lot of minor yet crucial changes in this piece just now which (dare I say it?) have put it as close to perfect as I've seen it come so far and as close to perfect as I may very well be able to get it. All I know is that I'm about 98%-99% satisfied with this piece. I just want to know what YOU, yes YOU think.
#13
appropriately, immediately have enough syllables to have their own line. other than that I think it's great.

and you're right, you have changed a lot in your writing.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#14
I thought it was great. I've always had trouble with complexity, but yours was complex while being simple at the same time, which is what I want to achieve. This wasn't much of a crit, sorry, but I can't really think of much to say.

Good work.

--Masochist Lust
#15
Thanks a lot both of you, but I hate to say that Ive just added a new ending that I'm wondering about and where it stands on the line between "over-the-top" & "turned out just right."

and i went ahead and put those two words on their own line.
#16
honestly, when I read the new ending I thought "what the hell?" I don't know though. get more opinions.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#17
actually man now that i re-read it myself i realized it only looks neat and fancy but really graveyard and hell references have no place in this piece even if a dude did just croak.