#1
The Black Curtains

You me and everyone
That's just the way it should be
No room for cat swinging
In this little hole
You me and everyone
Maps, arguments and whiskey
Draw the black curtains
We'll be on our own

[Chorus]
I see it now; see it in your eyes
We'll send home these familiar spies
I see it now; see it in your eyes
We don't need these drunk allies
Draw the black curtains
Draw the black curtains

Turn off your telephone
No checkups from your mother
Cigarette smoke signals
Are banned anyway
You me and everyone
Yeah we don't need the others
Draw the black curtains
It's our turn to play
Last edited by jaykayzer at Jan 18, 2007,
#4
Thanks for the comments, it is indeed a vaguely bluesy rocky indieish song!
#5
You me and everyone
That's just the way it should be
No room for cat swinging
In this little hole
You me and everyone
Maps, arguments and whiskey
Draw the black curtains
We'll be on our own

I like the imagery in this i think its an interesting start there are a couple of issues with flow which simple things could sort out in L4 maybe add hell to hole? im sure i thought of another a minute ago and cant remember it now when i read through so theres nothing major. Good stanza.
[Chorus]
I see it now; see it in your eyes
We'll send home these familiar spies
I see it now; see it in your eyes
We don't need these drunk allies
Draw the black curtains
Draw the black curtains

this i dont like as much as your verse youve forced a ABAB rhyme here as way of trying to create rhythm however as a result youve stopped any flow and also it doesnt make sense. Its not as bad as i make it seem and could be sorted quite easily but just look over that bit. Also i know its your title but i dont think the last twolines add anything or really fit.
Turn off your telephone
No checkups from your mother
Cigarette smoke signals
Are banned anyway
You me and everyone
Yeah we don't need the others
Draw the black curtains
It's our turn to play

Best stanza so far i dont particularly like the reference to cigarette but meh thats just me and the line after it doesnt flow great but all in all a good verse. Good Work!
Please check out mine in my sig, thanks!
#6
I like it in that it's not supposed to be in a regular format. It's definately interesting. Very clever name for the song with its added parts in the song. Like the guy above me said, maybe a lil too much though for the chorus. In the verses "draw the black curtains" works really well though.

We'll send home these familiar spies
and
We don't need these drunk allies
are by far my favorite lines. It's interesting to hear lines that have never been said before and I think that's a first for my eyes. Very clever. Keep up the writing.

If ya have time to crit. "Human Nature"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=507938
#7
Thanks for the crits/comments, much appreciated, I will look at some of your stuff shortly.

In reply:
Vague Ideal - The song is a little story set in a small pub, which I quite like, so "hell hole" wouldn't be appropriate. Actually I don't think there's a flow problem there, it runs very nicely in my head, the 4th and 8th lines of each verse have 5 syllables each, and flow perfectly the way I sing it anyway! The cigarette reference pokes fun at the smoking ban on pubs here by the way. Thank you for your suggestions though!

Partyboy - Glad you liked those lines, they're two of my favourites.

You're both probably right about the last 2 lines of the chorus. I might well experiment with something else there. Cheers.
#8
lol ah right fair enough youve probably got a fair point with those two points! and fair enough if youve got a rhythm in your head good work!