#1
wailer baby...

here it is

Envelope, Light a Fire.

Have you ever woken up wondering what to do
Debating why precious life has been given to you
You search out and find your desire
So Ima find some gasoline and ima light a fire

Chorus
Me no Soul/ Envelope/ let it go/ lose your control

Verse I think we have a problem that we need to come to terms with
Everybody needs someone to love and share their germs with
Pencils papers books and staples/ all we need to learn with
Passion soul, we lack control/ all of which we yearn with

Chorus

Bridge
Twisting and turning, the smoke and the burning
Laughter in disaster and the world is spinning faster
My desire is the fire dancing in her pupil
My knees go weak and I lose all of my scruples
I don’t know what she’s holding but I’m ready to face it
Cause here’s a lesson a smith and Wesson beats four aces

Chorus

Verse 2
Well the imitated syncopated verse from my soul
I initiated regulated love for one and all
Don’t emulate participate open up your eyes
Cause the one you love should be enough for an average guy
Don’t question me fool question me damn I must be high
The decision is the rhythm, and the drums the reason why
This no reason reason gasoline and me can’t write
We gather here to drink our beer as fire licks the sky

CHorus
#2

Verse I think we have a problem that we need to come to terms with
Everybody needs someone to love and share their germs with
Pencils papers books and staples/ all we need to learn with
Passion soul, we lack control/ all of which we yearn with



some of the lines i liked flow was good rhyme scheme AAAA botherse me
Hi
#3
Have you ever woken up wondering what to do
Debating why precious life has been given to you
You search out and find your desire
So Ima find some gasoline and ima light a fire

A standard rhyme sheme, but has really long lines. Have no Idea what this verse is about besides lighting a fire. Is it like a pyromaniac or something.

Chorus
Me no Soul/ Envelope/ let it go/ lose your control

I don't know about this Chorus espescially the Me at the beginning and it is very short and is not getting your point across.

Verse I think we have a problem that we need to come to terms with
Everybody needs someone to love and share their germs with
Pencils papers books and staples/ all we need to learn with
Passion soul, we lack control/ all of which we yearn with

Putting the same words at the end of every line gets very tiring to the reader and will make the song displeasing. Just a word of advice. Put in bigger wods.

Chorus

Bridge
Twisting and turning, the smoke and the burning
Laughter in disaster and the world is spinning faster
My desire is the fire dancing in her pupil
My knees go weak and I lose all of my scruples
I don’t know what she’s holding but I’m ready to face it
Cause here’s a lesson a smith and Wesson beats four aces

I liked this bridge, It was catchy, rhymey and I finally got the rest of the song. 8/10 on the bridge.

Chorus

Verse 2
Well the imitated syncopated verse from my soul
I initiated regulated love for one and all
Don’t emulate participate open up your eyes
Cause the one you love should be enough for an average guy
Don’t question me fool question me damn I must be high
The decision is the rhythm, and the drums the reason why
This no reason reason gasoline and me can’t write
We gather here to drink our beer as fire licks the sky

This verse had the same problems as the first one. It doesn't really match the rest of the song and the rhymes are very predictable.

CHorus

Crit the one in my Signature.
Fender Strat '62 With Clapton signal processor and Fender Lace Sensors
Kustom DFX 100 (2x12)
Fender 150W all tube '64 vintage Amp (2x12)
Influences: Black Sabbath, Metallica, Megadeth

Say to Emo's.
#4
I quite like this actually. I like the regular rhyming scheme and the mixture of slightly abstract interesting imagery. For some reason I like the couplet:

"Verse I think we have a problem that we need to come to terms with
Everybody needs someone to love and share their germs with"

Simple but effective.

I'd be interested to know what sort of a song you think this is (as in what genre).

My least favourite part is the bridge, to many rhymes in their for my liking. But an interesting piece on the whole.
#5
i liked this a lot, it was very homogonous.

Twisting and turning, the smoke and the burning
Laughter in disaster and the world is spinning faster

And

Verse I think we have a problem that we need to come to terms with
Everybody needs someone to love and share their germs with

were amazing.

their were just a few parts that were confusing, adn teh chorus is weak.

i liked the AAAA rhyme sheme however.(even if im alone)

7/10
#6
The verses are delivered very fast, melodically rapped, that is sung. It is extremely difficult to write the rhyme style im trying to get here...
AhymeA, rhymeA, Rhyme B,
Rhyme A rhyme A RhymeB
but I think it sounds cool when delivered fast and it impresses people alot.
the intro is sung sweetly with a picked Bm and A and then the "find gasoline and light a fire" part is wailed loudly into the chorus which is more hardcore. I completly agree the chorus sucks/doesn't make sense but I am better than average at singing and I just wanted a chorus to wail and embellish with some soul and shit.

Thanks for the crits guys.
Last edited by MistaRecta at Jan 18, 2007,
#7
Quote by MistaRecta
The verses are delivered very fast, melodically rapped, that is sung. It is extremely difficult to write the rhyme style im trying to get here...
AhymeA, rhymeA, Rhyme B,
Rhyme A rhyme A RhymeB
but I think it sounds cool when delivered fast and it impresses people alot.
oh and the chorus is wailing three chord rock and the verses are fast ska, the intro is sung sweetly with a picked Bm and then the "find gasoline and light a fire" part is wailed loudly.

Thanks for the crits guys.



i guessed it was a ind of rap, thats what i saw it as.

sort of rage against the machine-ish
#8
Quote by MistaRecta
wailer baby...

here it is

Envelope, Light a Fire.

Have you ever woken up wondering what to do
Debating why precious life has been given to you
You search out and find your desire
So Ima find some gasoline and ima light a fire

(Like the idea and the rhyming scheme is good in this verse)

Chorus
Me no Soul/ Envelope/ let it go/ lose your control

(lost me on the chorus dont really understand the form...but think with what you have it would do good with some music)

Verse I think we have a problem that we need to come to terms with
Everybody needs someone to love and share their germs with
Pencils papers books and staples/ all we need to learn with
Passion soul, we lack control/ all of which we yearn with

(I really like this verse, i like your choice of style....how you used with all 4 times but made it still sound good..)


Chorus

Bridge
Twisting and turning, the smoke and the burning
Laughter in disaster and the world is spinning faster
My desire is the fire dancing in her pupil
My knees go weak and I lose all of my scruples
I don’t know what she’s holding but I’m ready to face it
Cause here’s a lesson a smith and Wesson beats four aces

(once again great....i like the words and the picture i get in my head...greatly put together)

Chorus

Verse 2
Well the imitated syncopated verse from my soul
I initiated regulated love for one and all
Don’t emulate participate open up your eyes
Cause the one you love should be enough for an average guy
Don’t question me fool question me damn I must be high
The decision is the rhythm, and the drums the reason why
This no reason reason gasoline and me can’t write
We gather here to drink our beer as fire licks the sky

(all in all a great song id give it a 9/10, there isnt really anything i would suggest changing it all seems good....except would like an explination on the chorus to help me understand what it is....if u get a chance Crit mine in my sig....just edited it from like 7 months ago.....great song!)

CHorus


Great song man...keep up the good work
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)