#1
Kind of breaking from my story, so this is a little different from me...kind of folkish I guess. Thanks for any comments.


***
Oh, those ten days with Abbott
seperating the seeds
to satisfy his habit.
With an alley cat upon his front porch.

Oh, I can't find the keys
that went to the stable.
That match I lit
fell from atop the table.
The scattered remains of art
without a paint brush.

And there, I knew,
he would've never went;
To the point
of having to clean the splatter
oh, where has it gone?
where has it gone?
Remind him
when it comes that time
if he's forced to leave
if he's forced to find....

Oh, oh, whistling a tune
like nothing happened.
To the beat of his foot
that isn't tapping.
Eventually pressure will sink
to the depths of our trust.

I scream towards the tops
of every tree;
From the smell of rotten flesh
and infected disease.
To communicate?
I'm not sure,
or for whom it was intended.

And there, I knew,
he would've never went;
To the point
of having to clean the splatter
oh, where has it gone?
where has it gone?
Remind him
when it comes that time
if he's forced to leave
if he's forced to find....

A new road...
(I won't be there)
a new town...
(I won't be there)
a new life.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jan 18, 2007,
#2
ahHA!
Finally.

Quote by streetcarp19
Kind of breaking from my story, so this is a little different from me...kind of folkish I guess. Thanks for any comments.


***
Oh, those ten days with Abbott
seperating the seeds
to satisfy his habit.
With an alley cat upon his front porch.

This set's up the mood kind of well. Poetry-wise I would get rid of the "oh"at the beginning, but eh, it's folk. So keep it. My complain here would be flow, as L4 has way more feet than all the other ones (Nearly the double). So yeah..If you already got a melody to that, then nevermind, but if you don't I'd suggest some revisions.


Oh, I can't find the keys
that went to the stable.
That match I lit
fell from atop the table.
The scattered remains of art
without a paint brush.

Those 3 couplets of lines seemed somewhat disconnected. Stable/table is really meh to me. And. How could a lit match could fall from the table. You just...lit it and...put it on there? and then...it fell? If you're talking about a house fire than I can see the relation with the third couplet but even there...

And there, I knew,
he would've never went;
To the point
of having to clean the splatter
oh, where has it gone?
where has it gone?
Remind him
when it comes that time
if he's forced to leave
if he's forced to find....

Simple but alright stuff here, if you ask me. This just flows far better than the previous stanzas, and adds clearly to the storyline. (not that it HAS to be clear but...ya know.)

Oh, oh, whistling a tune
like nothing happened.
To the beat of his foot
that isn't tapping.
Eventually pressure will sink
to the depths of our trust.

Beeeeessst stanza so far. I really like it. L3 and L4 are genius. Keep going...


I scream towards the tops
of every tree;
From the smell of rotten flesh
and infected disease.
To communicate?
I'm not sure,
or for whom it was intended.

I get what you mean by L7 , but I think it's awkwardly phrased. Also, I think this stanza breaks from the feeling you had set so far in that piece. The calm and descriptive wording and all...It's okay to switch but I think it might have been a bit harsh here. However, again, with the music it could work well.

And there, I knew,
he would've never went;
To the point
of having to clean the splatter
oh, where has it gone?
where has it gone?
Remind him
when it comes that time
if he's forced to leave
if he's forced to find....

A new road...
(I won't be there)
a new town...
(I won't be there)
a new life.

Good simple ending, finishes it all off quickly.


I'm sorry I haven't been much of a fan of this piece, but it might not be my cup of tea. Sorry it took me so long to get back to one of yours. I'll definitely look at the next part of your story i get to stumble on.

Later,

-Mathieu
#3
Hey man, thanks a lot for the crit...helped me out a lot. And don't worry about not liking it, actually I don't expect many too anyway.

Thanks again.
#8
A very unique piece. I can see how you would say it's folkish, cuz I get that vibe without you even had saying it. You were very descriptive and I liked that the majority of it was pretty much freestyle poetry, no real scheme to it or anything. Now some parts, kinda didn't fit in at all I thought like...

scream towards the tops
of every tree;
From the smell of rotten flesh
and infected disease


This just struck me as extremely odd and out of place. Which if that was your intention then kudo's to you. The ending was nicely put away and I loved the foot tapping line.

Oh, oh, whistling a tune
like nothing happened.
To the beat of his foot
that isn't tapping.


That is probably one of the best lines on here that I have heard in forever. It's amazing. I'd like to give it an award if I could, lol. But yeah, all in all as a poem...I'd give it a 6-7 for content. So overall, decent job but could use some cleaning up here and there.

Feel free to crit mine if you have time: "Human Nature"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=507938