#1
that isnt really hte title..
but i thought it would get your atention...


Did you smile at me
Because the world became brighter
The shadows left my mind and
The tears left my eyes

Verse 1
Everything seems brighter
The world been flipped around
Im no longer up side down
or inside out
Im right where i belong

Verse 2
Here i feel safe
in the light of your smile
I would like to stay,
more then just a while
With_____ you_____.

Bridge
Thunder may klash
Waves may crash
fire may burn
but ill stay strong

Stars may fall
the world may fail
wind may blow
but in the end i still have your
smile.

Chorus
Did you smile at me
Because the world became brighter
The shadows left my mind and
The tears left my eyes

Verse3
No one can take this away
Forever we___ will____ stay_____.

Out-tro
Until the tunder stops klashing
and the waves stop crashing
and fire stops burning
ill stay strong

Until the stars stop falling
and the world stops failing
and the wind stops blowing
Ill love you. - whisper.
#2
I'm sorry but I scanned over this entire set of lyrics in about 3 seconds flat and I could tell just by the formation of the stanzas, your approach, and the overall appearance of the piece that this would be something I would not enjoy reading.

Just in case I was wrong, I went back to check and see if there was anything worth-while or impressingly imaginative to be read in this piece and I found nothing. I will say that it seems like you're on the right track, you seem to be gaining on the right idea, but at the point you are now, you're writing the same song that every amateur writer has written in their career at some point or another.

Despite the solid fact that none of them are identical, if you look past the technicalities and explore the means of expression, the basic ideas you put forth, and the simplicity of every last phrase in this piece, you will find that this piece is indeed identical to countless others out there in e-world or paper-world or diary-world or trapper-keeper-world.

stay with it though. no one ever only deproves, meaning there is only room to improve.

by the way, dont look up deproves cause i really doubt its actually a word.
#3
I'd like to make a couple points here.

on your style-
take it from me, I use simple lines all the time: if you're going to use a simple line like I'll stay strong or the tears left my eyes or I love you. you're going to need something more complex whether it be the words themselves or their ideas or their structure to counterbalance the simple lines. otherwise your readers/listeners will get to the end of your piece/song and say "was that all?" and "there was nothing to that"


on the genre:
let me tell you something about love songs, because pretty much everything I write is about love in some respect, the world has enough of this kind. we have enough songs that go "you're perfect, I love you, blahblahblah" this isn't necessarily to stop you from doing it but if you must, you must also take great care in doing so. know that it's not going to be easy to write this kind of piece that's got something people can say "oh, that's new!" about. if you can, I'm all for it. I'd love to see it. but it's tough.

the second thing on that is people are skeptics. a large part of the audience, save the hopeless romantics (I'm talking age group 13-16/17) are not going to believe in this love and are going to need some convincing that you aren't being naive about it. keep that in mind. if they don't believe you, why would they listen to you?


now, of course, this is all pertaining only to the lyrics as this is a writing (sub)forum. as far as music goes I'm sure it could sound just dandy and work wonderfully as a song. what I'm saying is that lyrically it's not up to scratch. keep working on it, keep writing.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in