#1
His stupid Freedom act

My life is pretty picturesque
but I hate the writing on the back
I guess I'll just put it in a frame
that way no one will see.

Everything is so okay
but I hate everything I lack
my nails are painted orange
I wish they were a shade of grey

I am a peace believer
but I hate his freedom act
my emotions are running dry
and their's nothing I can do

I just want him back
I just want him back


Im not a good judge of my own work, i kind of made that up as i was writing it there, in like 15 mins, im not very good at flow either, but i think i like it anyways. So yes, dont go easy, i can take it
When you light a candle...you create a shadow
#3
His stupid Freedom act


My life is pretty picturesque
but I hate the writing on the back
I guess I'll just put it in a frame
that way no one will see.


I love this first stanza... only suggestion is to lengthen the last line in it... maybe somthing like "that way no on will ever see".


Everything is so okay
but I hate everything I lack
my nails are painted orange
I wish they were a shade of grey


a problem i have with this stanza is that you use the word "everything" in lines 1 and 2... shouldn't be used twice that close together.... the rest looks alright... though the last two lines of the stanza arent tied in to the song at all... just seems kind of random.


I am a peace believer
but I hate his freedom act
my emotions are running dry
and their's nothing I can do


i really like the whole freedom act bit... the last two lines here seem kind of basic though... at least the last one... it seems like you ran out of ideas.


I just want him back
I just want him back


this ending works.


well i like what was here but thought that it could have been longer for sure.... maybe just put a chorus in between these verses or something.... i thought the flow was good despite the lack of direct rhyming... sounded good to me.

good job... and could you please check out one/all of mine... they're in my sig... thanks.
#4
Yeah i checked one it...i loved it. Yeah im not a huge fan of the nails line, but i guess its more of a personal me thing than a general thing. I only paint my nails when im sad. So yeah...thats kinda how they tied in. Anyways. Thank you!
When you light a candle...you create a shadow