#1
I know a beautiful girl, who should feel glad she inspired me. She's a delicate girl made like an origami crane, she needs to be loved like one.

<3 Berlin.


Posh Isolation

pay her with:
folded paper.
a closet for a desk.
I wish away the clothes
maybe she'll dissapear too.
coma coma coma coma coma coma
chamelion, a transparent disguise.
lamp posts on an oragami street,
more folded paper.

I exit the room, a few cuts.
decadence, a lavender waltz.
pay her with:
folded paper.
our hemorrage: a sky, morose
clouds spread
inks blooming in water.
old factories percolate, a sulfuric smell
gun metal; their filigree smoke plumes.
She's outside,
too hold her hand.
A few more cuts.
A few more holes.
A few more cuts.

I grab her hand.
A few more cuts.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Jan 29, 2007,
#2
Very abstract and fast paced.

the very first line dropped me a bit of confusion though. What with the whole "pay her" bit.

The last five lines confused me but now I know.

I liked the style, reminds me of some ways I've written before.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Jan 20, 2007,
#4
I like this. I can't give you much of a crit, but I can tell you what I liked.

The flow was awesome, I especially liked the breaks, they gave the lines much more weight. I loved the coma line in the first stanza, it really did the trick. The imagery in the second stanza blew my mind. The end was perfect and really wrapped the whole thing up.
In short, awesome job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Actually I've written this theme before, it was an old component in the useless song of myself...I cast myself as an origami artist who tried to do his muse justice as well beethoven's "für elise" or whatnot, but I couldn't do anything but fold her into a crane or some bullshit...but I didn't write it this well, if I remember.

i mean actually its not really the same theme. but a similar idea

whatever. you spelled disappear wrong

i mean its good. it's quite good, more coherence than I usually get from you, which is a plus to me, rationalist that I am (that's why I don't like your stuff a lot, the jumps of consciousness that are emblematic of your style are opposed to the sort of poetry I enjoy) and blah blah the **** blah

you don't give a shit
i love you
#6
thanks guys. :] I really want to experiment with poetry because I believe chances aren't being taken.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
i think this is one of the better things you've written lately. you know i like it better when i understand what you're saying. though i'm still kinda confused. whatever i'll read it over again.

i liked it, even though your intro is pretty homosexual in a hetero sort of way.

holla
#8
i like this alot. your alot like me, or at least you appear to be, in the way you write by your feelings; without worrying about catering for..'certain' audiences

the repition of 'pay her with: folded paper' was timed absoltuely perfectly; and its a great couple of lines
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#9
the Culture Club allusion is lame. other than that i enjoy it, the repetition of the origami line doesn't work too well but I guess it fits. definitely not a super strong piece but it's enjoyable to read. doesn't really stick on me like some pieces do though, i wouldn't know how you'd make it leave an impression though.