#1
Hey guys, these are the first lyrics I've posted, so go easy! Hehe, no really, do your worst. Looking for constructive crit, anything you liked, anything you didn't. Thanks for taking the time to help out. These are the first lyrics I ever wrote, about three years ago, so they're not really where I'm at right now, but I'm interested to see what you think. Structure is verse-verse-chorus-verse-chorus, which is a way I really like to write songs.


Billy George:

It seems to me, that your action plan,
Won't impress me.
A wall of black and you're losing track,
Of who we are.
An axe to grind between your thighs,
To cut out the sweet talk.
Don't pretend to care, don't you f***ing dare,
Swallow the truth.

A fire burns right inside of you,
With lungs like a blowtorch.
A fifth of Jack and you're throwing gas
Onto the flames.
When words like those turn your face to dust
Don't try to save it,
When your mouth belies what you feel inside,
Cry to the moon.

[Chorus]
Oh, Mr. George, those rocks are awful sharp,
Oh, Billy, crawl away while you have time,
I'd hate for you to die alone without her eyes
Watching over you. It's time to say goodbye.

You took the words from out my mouth,
But made them unsightly.
They kept your dreams alive, but they were so contrived,
So I spat them out.
So take these words and take a selfless dive,
Into the Atlantic,
A seven-second leap into the ocean deep,
Blue turns to red.
#3
Billy George:

It seems to me, that your action plan,
Won't impress me.
A wall of black and you're losing track,
Of who we are.
An axe to grind between your thighs,
To cut out the sweet talk.
Don't pretend to care, don't you f***ing dare,
Swallow the truth.

This is really good first stanza except I think the f-word in next to last line is just a filler and you'd probably be better off without it. I like the long line - short line idea, with the internal rhyme in the long line, excpet the first line is missing one. Other than that this is an excellent way to start.

A fire burns right inside of you,
With lungs like a blowtorch.
A fifth of Jack and you're throwing gas
Onto the flames.
When words like those turn your face to dust
Don't try to save it,
When your mouth belies what you feel inside,
Cry to the moon.

This is another good stanza, except I still think that the word "right" is a filler and you could say the same thing without it. The "Cry to the moon" part seems a little out of place to me but thats mere opinion, despite that you continue the song well.

[Chorus]
Oh, Mr. George, those rocks are awful sharp,
Oh, Billy, crawl away while you have time,
I'd hate for you to die alone without her eyes
Watching over you. It's time to say goodbye.

Me likes the chorus, I don't really talk like that, but I think it's really good.

You took the words from out my mouth,
But made them unsightly.
They kept your dreams alive, but they were so contrived,
So I spat them out.
So take these words and take a selfless dive,
Into the Atlantic,
A seven-second leap into the ocean deep,
Blue turns to red.

I get a little bit lost here, not to say this isn't a good stanza, it's just not as good as the others in my opinion. Maybe change L1 and L2 to something like "You took the words out of my mouth/ And made them obscene" but it's not my place to put words into your song, it's just a suggestion. I like the rest of this stanza and I think that it's a good way to end the song. I say keep writing, you'll only get better and this is pretty good to start out with... Also a little hint, on getting some crits, you gotta give a couple first, and full ones at that, it's a give and take thing man...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#4
Ok cool, sure thing. Thanks very much for the crit and the advice. I guess I just wanted to see how a crit was done first! I shall go give some now Thanks!