#1
This is the first piece that i have written in this type of style plz crit. crit 4 crit

The cold dampness in my fingers
Slowly descends to my heart
The wonders of the whole world
Come racing through my mind
The sickness of insanity
Pleads to keep me under control
The restlessness in insomniacs
Becomes apart of me

Likeliness to be nothing
Malicious and upsetting
Selfish and, an abomination to society
Nothing you do will ever
BRING THEM ENCHANTMENT!!!!

This Unwritten Design in my head
Is relentlessly coming through
The pain inside your feeble minds
Will finally awaken
For eternity
#2
The cold dampness in my fingers
Slowly descends to my heart
The wonders of the whole world
Come racing through my mind
The sickness of insanity
Pleads to keep me under control
The restlessness in insomniacs
Becomes apart of me

Good stuff i like this stanza its very explict it sets a good scene and has a nice flow. "cold dampness" i liked a lot.

Likeliness to be nothing
Malicious and upsetting
Selfish and, an abomination to society
Nothing you do will ever
BRING THEM ENCHANTMENT!!!!


This stanza (chorus maybe?) started well though i didnt think abomination worked so well and the last line didnt add anything for me but still with a few changes possibly it could be a very good stanza.

This Unwritten Design in my head
Is relentlessly coming through
The pain inside your feeble minds
Will finally awaken
For eternity


Again i really liked this stanza except this time the last line seemed to ruin the flow other than i liked how it described very closely. The first three lines were excellent.

Overral i'd say a very good piece that could easily be improved (on what you showed in the rest) to a better one.

Please check out mine in my sig thank you.