#1
God its been so long so I have been here. 2 months! Crit 4 crit yo!

Nothing to believe in
With free hands you pay
Want to give in
The feeling was yesterday
What’s to breathe in
Your face turns pale
What you’ve given
Taste me as you inhale
You won’t listen
As the taste goes stale
Its out of season
Waste me as you exhale
#2
good stuff
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Fender MIM strat with dimarzio pups
JCM800
Egnater Rebel 30
Takamine Acoustic
tons of pedals
#3
This felt restricted by the rhyme schemed you used. What ticked me off the most is that you rhymed "in" with "in" with "in" on lines 1-3-5. Here's my advice : If you want to use a strict rhyme scheme, make sure you are having some original rhymes at hand.

I'd suggest including some other writing devices and literal elements in that piece in order to make it more pleasurable to read. You're having generic words and a "boring" flow, if you ask me.

I think that if you would let yourself write without having to rhyme all the time and saying things originally, you'd be pretty neat. All that to say, I did not like it much, but I don't think it's because you're a bad writer. I think it's just because you impose yourself too many restrictions.

Sorry for giving a "bad" review, but like I said, I see potential.

If you want to take a quick look at mine, it's the first one in my sig.
#4
Quote by circular.parade
This felt restricted by the rhyme schemed you used. What ticked me off the most is that you rhymed "in" with "in" with "in" on lines 1-3-5. Here's my advice : If you want to use a strict rhyme scheme, make sure you are having some original rhymes at hand.

I'd suggest including some other writing devices and literal elements in that piece in order to make it more pleasurable to read. You're having generic words and a "boring" flow, if you ask me.

I think that if you would let yourself write without having to rhyme all the time and saying things originally, you'd be pretty neat. All that to say, I did not like it much, but I don't think it's because you're a bad writer. I think it's just because you impose yourself too many restrictions.

Sorry for giving a "bad" review, but like I said, I see potential.

If you want to take a quick look at mine, it's the first one in my sig.


Thanks for the words. I did not write it as much as I just song it while playing a little song. I will work on it though, I did not even notice how many times I used in