#1
This is a song I wrote a couple minutes ago called "For Her I Sang". It could probably use a little work, which is why I'm posting it here for critiques, which would be greatly appreciated.

"For Her I Sang" by Andrew S. Hug

We both sat on a broken bench.
Into the eyes, we stared.
Bleeding from a wounded trench,
Hiding our despair.
I broke the silence with a song,
And for her I sang.
Hoping to God she would not laugh,
I looked down upon her face.
I saw tears.

There were not tears of joy,
Closer to death.
They were tears of hidden pain,
Upon her blouse they rest.
She knew she couldn't stay with me,
For reasons shed the tears.
I tried to forget the hurt,
Which only led to fear.
I can't breathe.

My hand reached and touched her face,
One last murderous time.
I fear I am the only one,
Braincell genocide.
She cried herself to sleep,
Outside she died.
I was called to stay with her corpse,
I painfully denied.
I can fly.
Last edited by Sandman8591 at Jan 20, 2007,
#2
i like it. it seems like the lyrics to Opeth song. great stuff
Trivium, Shadows Fall, Metallica, All That Remains, As I Lay Dying

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#4
I broke the silence with a song,
And for her I sang.


I REALLY like that part the most, simple yet direct. Good work!
#6
Wow!! I love the flow and structure you've got going on here and the fact that you only rhymed once in each verse.. Brilliant and i agree with the others very Opeth like.

"Which only led to fear." this is the only line i think should be changed.. Two lines above you used tears so i think this line should end with an s.. just a thought...
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