#1
This is another folk type song, more so than the last one I think, but the music playing in my head as I wrote it had a sort of Door's vibe to it as well, and that along with the eery feeling of knowing we're all eventually going to die, or that the world is coming to an end one, is what inspired the song and it's title... hint read it off kinda like a poem like Morrison would...

Verse 1

Walking through the burning sand
Nothing but a cigarette in my hand
It is there I stare into the sky
And wonder when I’m going to die
Something tells me to sit and pray
I don’t think it would matter anyway
Purposely lacking of that kind of spirit
My voice is shot and no one would hear it

Pre-Chorus

I feel its embrace wrapped around me
Only wish that I could make it leave
I can hear the voices talk about me
All that I really want to do is leave

Chorus

As we come down into this end
I go to count all my sins
And I’ll never pay for them all
Hope that I enjoy the fall

Verse 2

Floating around in this frigid sea
There is no one out here except me
So, I look up at the blazing sun
And ask if it has a loaded gun
To hush my subconscious cry
It must not be my time to die
But, why wait if it’s going to come
The water is cold and my face is numb

Pre-Chorus

I feel its embrace wrapped around me
Only wish that I could make it leave
I can hear the voices talk about me
All that I really want to do is leave

Chorus

As we come down into this end
I go to count all my sins
And I’ll never pay for them all
Hope that I enjoy the fall

Verse 3

Drifting about my twisted dreams
And everything is what it seems
Why must I panic while I sleep?
These haunting secrets I will keep
The suicide wish and all the drugs
This nervous chill could use a hug
Because I can hear the calling line
Your lifeline says it is your time

Pre-Chorus

I feel its embrace wrapped around me
Only wish that I could make it leave
I can hear the voices talk about me
All that I really want to do is leave

Chorus

As we come down into this end
I go to count all my sins
And I’ll never pay for them all
Hope that I enjoy the fall

Bridge

{recite bridge faster}
Close my eyes to watch it die
I make the turn and feel it burn
Through the flame I see my name
In Satan’s eyes, it’s time to die

{breakdown}

(Realized I’ll never pay for them all)
(A long ride, hope to enjoy the fall)
(I can hear the voices talk about me)
(All that I really want to do is leave)
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
Last edited by punkrockconcept at Jan 25, 2007,
#2
Youve started well in the first couple of lines especially the first two i liked them. However the second half of the first stanza doesnt seem to flow quite as well as the first does and also i think you meant pray rather than prey. I think the flow problem is probably due to forced rhyming i think its more important to have a good rhythm and flow than a rhyme that never changes.
The second stanza again shows a good picture and i can really feel almost inside the song but it doesnt flow as it could or should.
Third stanza i cant complain sounds good except maybe i dont understand frigid sea so well? and i cant decided about the sun gun and death bit but i think ido like it.
The fourth stanza is the best yet its got a good rhythm and the rhyme mixes well with it some might call it a cliche rhyme but i think it helps the flow.
The ends good though i feel youve used die a lot throughout the piece maybe you could use another word at times.
I think with a bit of revision this could be good i liked the fourth stanza i think it was the fourth a lot if you can get them all like that then great job!
Please check out mine in my sig
#3
thanks man I appreciate the crit, it was just a weird thing that hit that I wrote in like an hour, I agree it needs some revision. That's why I posted it here for such advice, I'll gives your look...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#4


Walking through the burning sand
Nothing but a cigarette in my handflows wierd
There I stare into the sky
And wonder when I’m gonna die
I would sit down to preyspelled pray
But it wouldn’t matter anyway
I don’t have much of a spirit
My voice is shot, no one would hear it

As we come down into this end
I go to count all my sins
And realize I’ll never pay for them all
It’s a long ride, hope I enjoy the fallseems cliche

Floating around in this frigid sea
There is no one out here except me
So I look up at the sun
And beg it for a gunflows wierd
For some reason it won’t comply
It must not be my time to die
Why wait if it’s going to come
The water is cold and my face is numbflows wierd again

As we come down into this end
I go to count all my sins
And realize I’ll never pay for them all
It’s a long ride, hope I enjoy the fall

Drifting in my twisted dreams
And everything is what it seems
Running scared as I sleep
These haunting secrets I will keep
The suicide wish and all the drugs
This nervous chill needs a hug
It still feels like it's my time
A deal with the devil I’ve got to signthe whole verse seems cliche

As we come down into this end
I go to count all my sins
And realize I’ll never pay for them all
It’s a long ride, hope I enjoy the fall

{faster}
Close my eyes to watch it die
I make the turn and feel it burn
Through the flame I see my name
In Satan’s eyes, it’s time to diecliche

{breakdown}
(I’ve realized I’ll never pay for them all)
(It’s a long ride, and I’ll enjoy the fall)

It's okay, you should try to stay away from the AABB rhyming scheme, change things up to help it flow better, and get rid of the cliches, other than that, it was good. 6/10 IMO. If you get a chance, could you crit mine?
#5
I like this one too, but it seems less to a point, like unfocused. but i like its philosophical implications
2 in the Morning 2 at Night
It Makes Me Feel Alright
2 in Time of Peace 2 in Time of War
2 before 2 then 2 more

I am talking, of course, about Dr.Peppers
#6
I like it, you tend to use pretty good analogy most of the way through, but it just needs to flow a little more, plus i am a little confused about the faster and breakdown bits at the end, i get the breakdown but the faster seems to be in the wrong place, if you know what i mean?

This is pretty good stuff though, keep writing!
#7
This is pretty good but I think it could be great with a bit of work. Some of the lines like the first two and the faster part at the end sound really good and interesting, but other parts sound a bit forced and rushed. I guess thats understandable since you wrote it in an hour tho.
Thanks for comments on Jesus is my homie!
#8
thanks yall, this will definately get an overhaul before I call it finished, and I'll probably re-post it...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!