#1
i was going about a constant eighty
fifteen over
on I-4
and they quickly passed me.
i cursed them.
not ten seconds later
a slower driver
in my lane moved over

and when the dust settled
she laid face down on the pavement
and her friends
rushed out of the black eclipse
with their hands on their heads
screaming,
i think.
several cars stopped
and hopefully helped
but i just kept driving,
they're better people than me.
in the rearview mirror,
i saw how traffic forms.

i'm sure somewhere about a mile back
there was a woman cursing
moving forward in random bursts
for about half an hour.
but then she passed,
and forgot the crash.
i know,
i've been there too.
but a baby was born
probably 17 years ago
and i don't know her name
but i keep picturing it being stenciled
on a tombstone and placed on a grave.

i'm at home now
i told my family
and i got their sympathy.
goddamn i'm greedy.
i didn't watch the local news
even though i normally do,
i don't want confirmation
i don't want to hear the story.
but here i am telling it,
the semantics of a car crash.
#2
I really enjoyed that, at first I didn't see how the first stanza led into the second but then I realized it was a car wreck and it made sense. The flow was pretty good throughout, you did a good job of making this realistic and human.

Nice work, no real complaints about this.
#5
what's with all the driving?

almost all the pieces i've read from you lately
have talked about or been about driving.

not that i'm complaining though.
that was enjoyable, but you've done better.

i can't really think of anything i'd change...
it just. could have been better. and.
i don't really know how it would have been.
i just feel like it needs something else.
but i really have no idea what that is.

but good job anyways. i still liked it.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
I gotta say, it's not bad. My problem is that it's too superficial. I mean, car crashes are amazingly surreal. I saw one where it was about 1 or 2 am and this guy was on the highway and I don't know what happened, but he hit the divider and flipped his SUV and it ended up on its side with the horn on just blarring. So I stoped the car as soon as I saw it and ran as fast as I could over and some other guys came up and helped too, but I mean, even running on a highway is a wierd experience cause you're used to driving on them and there was that one sound of the horn just kept going and going.

Point is, there's a lot of retrospective thought that is pretty powerful after you see something like that. The guy from my crash was alright, but if the one in yours died, that triggers even more of a response. So it's well worded and it flowed nicely and all, but I'm not sure it really says anything of dire importance, if that makes any sense.

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#7
retribution -- thank you very much. i really appreciate it.

groverbrover -- driving is my favorite metaphor because it means a lot of different things to me, like peace, escape and danger, and it's easily relatable. but this one is different because this was, as i said, a true story. and though most things i write are "true" in some sense, i write them differently, having an idea of what i want to convey and then working around the details slightly to fix it. if you tell me what it's missing, maybe i can try to work it in though. thanks, means a lot.

petey cook -- you're probably one of my favorite critics because you're honest and sometimes kinda antagonistic [see something_vague's deleted thread]. looking at it now, now that i'm somewhat detached from the situation, though still kinda in shock . all the details in this are completely true and unaltered versus like i said before, worked around to make a point. i think there can be value and importance in this, such as analyzing how a human deals with tragedy, even though it has absolutely no relavance to the person, such as the country during katrina or 9/11. though this is obviously less importnat than that, you see what i mean. i'm sure you could find other meaning in this. not to say that i think this is an absolutely important piece, but i plan on keeping it anyways. the flow and wording was accidental, so i'm glad the worked out. i understand what you mean though. i'm not sure what my point here is. thanks a lot for the comment, i apprecaite it a lot.
#8
i like it, i think it flows well but i just dont understand the first verse completely
the bit where it says "fifteen over on I-4" yeah dont understand that
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#9
Well you gave me a great idea. It would be really cool to write like, three or four pieces about the same thing. One the day after, one a month, then a year then five years or something like. Just to see how your perception of it changes and how it's affected you or not affected you. It's an idea.

Like I said, it totally works now, but I think it could be much more. Saying something vague (har har) like "it's about how someone deals with tradgedy" could mean so much so...keep the detail, those are always good but, experiment.

you're honest and sometimes kinda antagonistic


Heh. I like to keep you kids on your toes, that's all.

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#10
Quote by 9_11_4
i like it, i think it flows well but i just dont understand the first verse completely
the bit where it says "fifteen over on I-4" yeah dont understand that



15 miles an hour over the speed limit on the highway called I-4


EDIT: i thought it was great and even inspired me to write some lyrics and gave me a good idea appreciate it

i dont really understand the end right now but im gonna read it again i also like how it doesnt follow the same rhyming over and over

nvm i get it now lol im slow well done
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#11
Oh right i get it now.. Hahaha miles don't make sense to me, I'm Aussie.. well it all makes sence now. i think its great
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