#1
A gun of the damned, a walking sanctuary!
Of lizard and lamb, I'm your missionary!
One eyed cowboy, a half hearted soul!
I've been shot boy, you can count the holes!
Six feet deep
...and six feet yonder.
I'll keep on coming you can't keep me under!
There are things to say, and last duel we'll fight!
You'll remember my name
...IF I DIE!

Channel: CUT ME! CUT ME!
KILL ME! KILL ME!

Chorus: Cut me more!
...I haven't bled yet.
Stab me deep!
...I ain't wounded.
Blow me away!
...I'm still standing!
Kill me again!
...I ain't dead yet!

A Long John Silver, A francis Drake!
I ain't a sailor but a pirate!
I placed my bid, 'cause I knew the price!
I ain't a kid, Like you I won't die crying!
A wiped off sweat
...the grass you graze.
I'm the grease you fry and teeth you clench!
A kindred spirit with a cross-eye!
You'll remember my name
...IF I DIE!

Channel: Repeat

Chorus: Repeat.

Bridge: You can cut me away...
Throw me down...

Channel: Repeat * 3

Chorus: repeat
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#2
ummm im not familiar with this style of music so i guess i'll give u props...on...the second verse....it wasgood with metaphor, but.....the rest is a tad too.....wat do they call it...EMO. i HATE when peaople make songs about cutting dying. but hey its ur style i guess. like i said not familiar with this emo stuff(screamo w/e it is)
#3
guitarsuperman2 - Thanks for your comment.

This song is really not emo. It's modern day thrash similar to what Metallica has done sometime back.

Hmmm ... and cutting/killing oneself is the first, I rather see it as mockery/fighting back. But then everybody's entitled to an opinion.

Thanks for commenting nonetheless.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#4
No, it's not emo. It actually sounds more like one of those pathetic joke-song attempts to make fun of emo. This is just dumb and the exclaimation points make me hate it even more.

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#5
Sure dude, whatever you say.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#6
You can be as sarcastic as you want, but your song isn't getting any better.

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#7
Yep, I know. Much easier to drop 2 line crits and express what you hate rather than going thru something and explaining where it went wrong. Very bright.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#8
It went wrong everywhere. I don't need to explain that and you know it's true.

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#9
Yep. I'll tell you what I know.

- Went wrong everywhere? Dang. If I'd have 'known' it, why would I have put it here in the first place?

- If you could've explained it, you would've. But then everybody likes to play Simon now and then, so I really take no offense at this. Pretty nice job.

- If this was so wrong, you won't be checking it again and again.

- If you feel you have got a problem with it, or with something I said, you're most welcome to PM me. Bumping my lyric won't solve anything, really. And since it's my thread, I believe I have the right to post a response (please don't tell me to go thru the rules and regulations, I did that the first thing) to somebody reviewing it. But if you insist on keeping this on the top. Np.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#10
I could explain it. But it's not worth my time. Look dude, I'm sorry that your song sucks and I'm really sorry that you don't have the balls to own up it, but like I said, your song isn't getting any better while you sit here and argue with me. For your benefit (and mostly so you'll shut up) I'll do a full crit.

A gun of the damned, a walking sanctuary!
Of lizard and lamb, I'm your missionary!


These images rhyme, but they actually have nothing to do with eachother and are therefore meaningless.

One eyed cowboy, a half hearted soul!


It's a decent enough line, but it's placed with all this crap so it loses its effectiveness.

I've been shot boy, you can count the holes!
Six feet deep
...and six feet yonder.


Again, no relevance to anything and no specific meaning. Nothing original and nothing worth me caring for.

I'll keep on coming you can't keep me under!


Attitude is so passe. It's unconvincing because we don't have anything to relate to so you simply saying that you're so tough is as effective as saying something about lambs lizards and sanctuaries. That is to say, it's no effective.

There are things to say, and last duel we'll fight!
You'll remember my name
...IF I DIE!


This is just dumb. The attitude is "I'm invincible" but by letting this in you're admitting that you were wrong. But without giving that admitance a nod, it just comes across that you're a poor song writer.

Channel: CUT ME! CUT ME!
KILL ME! KILL ME!


Blah blah borring borring. Nothing I haven't heard a million times and it means nothing here.

Chorus: Cut me more!
...I haven't bled yet.
Stab me deep!
...I ain't wounded.
Blow me away!
...I'm still standing!
Kill me again!
...I ain't dead yet!


The contradictions here are supposed to add up to more attitude and a sort of "I can take all that you can throw at me" idea, but it's not effective at al because these lines have been said SO many times that they've lost their meaning. Get specific and let us see YOU, not some cliche artist trying to be tough.

A Long John Silver, A francis Drake!
I ain't a sailor but a pirate!


The opening references are completely out of place. This song has nothing to do with history or sailors. The second line is just dumb.

I placed my bid, 'cause I knew the price!


Doesn't make sense.

I ain't a kid, Like you I won't die crying!
A wiped off sweat
...the grass you graze.


None of this makes sense.

I'm the grease you fry and teeth you clench!
A kindred spirit with a cross-eye!
You'll remember my name
...IF I DIE!


Same as above. Not only is the imagery here piss poor and just dumb, but this doesn't make sense and the last line remains contradictory.

Channel: Repeat

Chorus: Repeat.

Bridge: You can cut me away...
Throw me down...

Channel: Repeat * 3

Chorus: repeat


This is bound to get hopelessly borring with all the repetition. The best songs sometimes never repeat a single line and you're repeating lines just for filler, as far as I can tell.

It's just a bad song. Get over it. Scrap it and start over. I'm not sure what else I can say to make you understand and I think you're probably a lost cause masquerading as a songwriter that doesn't give a **** what people think. In the music buisness they're called failures. On the forums we call them typical.

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#11
Petey Cook - That's more like it.

Like I said, everybody's entitled to an opinion, wanted to know where you were coming from exactly. Took 3-4 posts to find out, but oh well. Thanks for your comment. And rock on too.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#13
...what does that even mean?

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