#1
This is a poem, not lyrics.

A Little Insignificance

You're the most beautiful brunette in the school,
And every Tuesday you stand and speak your piece,
Soliciting poems from the students at large
To include in our joke of a lit magazine.

On Monday you tell me with a wry, demure grin
You dreamed about me on the weekend, again,
And we almost kissed, but I wouldn't;
connections missed.
And I think you really think I wouldn't.

Oh, Desdemona, how mistaken thou art.

We once exchanged vows in midair
over the circuit-grid lights of Chicago at night.
Should I remind you of this time when we kissed,
on the cheek?

I want to submit you a poem.
Not your magazine.
#3
Quote by DownbëloW
Desdemona? is that a name? cause if it is, i laugh.

Oh the ignorance.

I thought this poem was one of the more "higher quality", "sophistication" poems on UG. Bravo, amigos.
#4
like, the ONLY poem i've read and understood..
which would mean its too obvious in the message it wants to convey
and its whiney

but other than that, the layout, the words, use of commas etc. is pretty good
#5
As song lyrics it would work. As poetry it's a failure. Poetry is supposed to be above and beyond the standard stuff and this is standard. Well written and well worded, but it's too superficial to be considered poetry.

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#6
Well guys, as for your criticism that it's too easily understood, I don't agree at all. I write in sentences, I write coherently, because that's how I think, and that's my style. If you don't like it, that's one thing, but to say it fails as poetry, is another, and I have to prerogative to disagree with that claim.

As for it being whiny, well, I don't read it that way, but maybe it is. Bleh.
#7
I thought the last two lines were forced but besides that I pretty much loved it. The flow in the second stanza was impeccable. I'll probably return later with a real decent crit but on a first glance I really really enjoyed it.
#8
no when i said that it was understandable, i meant the theme.. the msg your trying to convey.

The very first line reads "oh great. another punk song about not getting the girl in high school"

And continuing to read it, its not exactly that, but its not far off either is all.

Nothing about your sentences or the structure coz thats great
#9
Okay, buddy, I see your point. I was aiming to create a mood in the piece along with dissecting this odd relationship I have with this girl, and I think I failed on both counts. I'll re-work this for a little while, I'd appreciate it if you'd check back on it later to tell me if I improved it.

And by the way:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desdemona_%28Othello%29
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Jan 21, 2007,
#10
no sorry if i appear to be shitting on ur peice because its actually really good.
you're right the mood the first line creates is a sad regretful missed one

but at the same time, its too direct in how it speaks is all i was saying. but the reason maybe because what you mostly do is outline that odd relationship and it doesnt reflect enough of YOUR feeling at the matter, just at this odd relationship what you guys do etc.

If thats your intention this poem is pretty good, its not like road not taken robert frost brilliant in my opinion but yeah its a poem that easily could be mistaken for having been written by a real poet [which is what im calling a person who relies on poetry to make a living]
#11
I like it, personally. Henza, i disagree i think he conveys his feelings quite well with this piece. Reading it, you can tell that he strives to have something more, its obvious he doesnt want nothing to do with her. I think his feeling of the situation shows enough. I enjoy it, though i didnt like "stand and speak" it sounds ackward and the alliteration isnt necessary, especialy the way the line after that flows. Just my opinion.

return?

a deviants style of art in sig.
#12
Poetry is meant to be peeled apart. So if someone reads this, peels it apart layer by layer and finds nothing underneath, it doesn't mean that you've been concise, it means that you didn't write much worth reading. As far as I can tell anyway.

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#14
very very good

that is all!
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#15
That's cause it's not a poem it's song lyrics. And if you're gonna talk about it, talk about it in its own thread. This is not the place to do it.

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#16
You know what, I don't think I'm going to change this right now. Any final remarks before I put this piece to rest?

Petey Cook:
I've done with this poem what I intended to do, which was to use precise diction and syntax in order to describe a situation and create a mood. I don't think that layering meaning in this piece would support its theme, simply because, as you were quick to point out, the meaning is rather facile. I realize this, and its vapidity dictates its syntax.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Jan 25, 2007,
#17
I loved it like most your works.

And I'll say this before I go any further- anyone who thinks poetry is all metaphors and deep meanings doesn't know a thing about poetry, and should read up on their facts before handing out such comments. Sorry Petey, you're wrong if you think that.

Anyways...

I'm with Mike with "Stand and speak", it kind of doesn't read nicely IMO.

Other than that, I really did like it. Though I did feel a bit of change in the second half I felt it dropped abit. PErsonally I didn't like the image of circuit-grid lights and the picture that stanza painted, but that's just me. The ending- I felt it was kind of too sudden, to sharp. I felt a piece with the feelings involved such as this requiered a somewhat softer and slower summary and conclusion to the piece, not a short two liner.

Nice writing again Truly.

If you could take a look at the one in my sig, it'd be appreciated. Many thanks.
#18
Quote by *Truly Ninja*


I knew I'd heard the name somewhere.

On the subject of the poem though, I think it's good. Though some lines sound a bit forced, it's better than some of the poems I've read which read like a thesauras (sp?).
#19
You're the most beautiful brunette in the school,
And every Tuesday you stand and speak your piece,
Soliciting poems from the students at large
To include in our joke of a lit magazine.

this part just seemed... kind of too casual.
like. i read the rest, and the first part seemed
like it needed to be more eloquently worded.
it just kind of stuck out, you know?



On Monday you tell me with a wry, demure grin
You dreamed about me on the weekend, again,
And we almost kissed, but I wouldn't;
connections missed.
And I think you really think I wouldn't.

i loved it until the last two lines.
the "connections missed" line seemed
a bit random. and i just couldn't see where
it was coming from. it also threw off the flow.
maybe if you explained it, it'd be better there?
and the last line just seemed like it could have
been worded a lot better than it is now.



Oh, Desdemona, how mistaken thou art.

nice shakespeare reference. i like it.
and i'm sure it'd be even better if
i'd actually read othello haha.



We once exchanged vows in midair
over the circuit-grid lights of Chicago at night.
Should I remind you of this time when we kissed,
on the cheek?

beautiful. nothing to change.


I want to submit you a poem.
Not your magazine.

i was disappointed in the wording here.
i think it'd be better if instead, you said:
"i want to submit a poem to you,
not to your magazine."



but other than those few little issues,
i thought it was great. so. good job.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Jan 25, 2007,
#20
Quote by Petey Cook
Poetry is meant to be peeled apart. So if someone reads this, peels it apart layer by layer and finds nothing underneath, it doesn't mean that you've been concise, it means that you didn't write much worth reading. As far as I can tell anyway.

Rock On


what the ****?

po·et·ry:
–noun 1. the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts.
2. literary work in metrical form; verse.

just because it's may seem simple the surface, which this is most def not, doesn't mean it's not worth reading. what seems simple to you may not be. ever heard of minimalist prose?
#21
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
This is a poem, not lyrics.

A Little Insignificance

You're the most beautiful brunette in the school,
And every Tuesday you stand and speak your piece,
Soliciting poems from the students at large
To include in our joke of a lit magazine.

This stanza creates a very beautiful image. It's great.

On Monday you tell me with a wry, demure grin
You dreamed about me on the weekend, again,
And we almost kissed, but I wouldn't;
connections missed.
And I think you really think I wouldn't.

Again, great imagery. Very relatable.

Oh, Desdemona, how mistaken thou art.

Great word choice.

We once exchanged vows in midair
over the circuit-grid lights of Chicago at night.
Should I remind you of this time when we kissed,
on the cheek?

Gah, I wish I could write like this. Nothing I would improve on here.

I want to submit you a poem.
Not your magazine.

Great ending.

You're one of my favorite writers on here, and this piece only improves my love of your work.

As a side note, I wouldn't mind if you critted mine, as it hasn't gotten any on it, and I think it's one of my best. No hard feelings if you don't, but if you want to, it's in my sig.
Wade in the water, child.
#22
Quote by FatKidsOnMopeds</3
what the ****?

po·et·ry:
–noun 1. the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts.
2. literary work in metrical form; verse.

just because it's may seem simple the surface, which this is most def not, doesn't mean it's not worth reading. what seems simple to you may not be. ever heard of minimalist prose?



Petey Cook just proved he knows nothing about subjective termonology and poetry. Anything is poetry that is written, prose is poetry, lyrics are poetry, anything written is poetry.

An
Ancient
Hemorrage.
Such Worthy men.

^That is poetry, I just bull-shitted that, and it counts, just because you can't find anything worth caring about doesn't mean it isn't poetry, it means you suck at finding connections.

The End.
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#23
I see his point though. He thinks that well-written poetry is layered and multi-dimensional and intricate. And while I disagree, and while he didn't phrase it in an agreeable way, I don't think his point suffers from a total lack of merit. Maybe I should try to incorporate a little more meaning into my work next time around.
#25
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
This is a poem, not lyrics.

A Little Insignificance

You're the most beautiful brunette in the school,
And every Tuesday you stand and speak your piece,
Soliciting poems from the students at large
To include in our joke of a lit magazine.

On Monday you tell me with a wry, demure grin
You dreamed about me on the weekend, again,
And we almost kissed, but I wouldn't;
connections missed.
And I think you really think I wouldn't.

Oh, Desdemona, how mistaken thou art. ( cut this it's excessive, and dislodges the personal nature )

We once exchanged vows in midair
over the circuit-grid lights of Chicago at night.
Should I remind you of this time when we kissed,
on the cheek?

I want to submit you a poem.
Not your magazine. ( could use a different ending, this one is weak.)


Great work. Personal, emotive and intelligent. You don't waste time, and you don't mince words. Except for the two parts I said something about, I really see nothing wrong with this piece.
#26
I see his point though. He thinks that well-written poetry is layered and multi-dimensional and intricate.


This is correct. I should have added the "well-written" in my original statement. Poetry can, as Something_Vague pointed out, be just about anything (which is unfortunate to some degree). Good poetry, as far as I have been taught my entire life, is rarely composed of one layer.

But, as Truly said, the purposes of the poem were served simply to illustrate something simple with a great amount of language skills. Which he did. So he has no worries.

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