#1
-
Imagine if a moment wasn't defined.


That time my shoe was missing, and you giggled as you helped me look, when I said, "I'm
sorry."

That time you cried over the cellphone, about the dandelions missing at Ground Zero, when I said, "I'm
sorry."

That time you couldn't tell me, just your eyes, when I said I was
sorry.


Imagine if a moment wasn't defined.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Jan 21, 2007,
#2
i'm not sure if i get it 100% but i really like it
Quote by B.I.N.
Chord of David, eh?
G Sus, perhaps?
#3
Wow...seriously, wow.
My Solo Stuff

Quote by crazydiamond73
There's a shoe floating down the street on a raft, how many pancakes does it take to cover the dog? None, ice cream doesn't have bones.

Bow to me.
#4
Quote by punchupatatigge
-
Imagine if a moment wasn't defined.


That time my shoe was missing, and you giggled as you helped me look, when I said, "I'm
sorry."

I dont like "that time my shoe was missing" i think that should me rephrased.

That time you cried over the cellphone, about the dandelions missing at Ground Zero, when I said, "I'm
sorry."

Fine

That time you couldn't tell me, just your eyes, when I said I was
sorry


Ummm huh? im sorry i just dont understand this part.

Imagine if a moment wasn't defined.


Defined by what? im hoping that thes the question the reader is posed to ask themselves. What defines a moment? To me if a moment isnt defined my something, its gone. But idk, it makes me think.

return?

a deviant style of art in my sig.
#9
This is one of my favorite I've read from you. I noticed the middle stanzas all begin and end the same way, if the poem was any longer it would have made it repeditive, but I like it. I don't really have any complaints.
#10
i'm slightly confused but i don't think you'd explain it and i understood it well enough, so whatever. i liked it a lot. i'd like to critique it better but i don't think i really can. good work.
#12
i really like it, but i think it would sound better if it was "imagine if a moment was undefined" instead of "wasn't defined"

but yeah it was really good.
#13
Thanks for the suggestion, but I had considered that and there was a reason for why I did it the other way.

more critique please!
#14
You don't need critique on this. Any comments would be delving into opinions, and that shouldn't stop you.

That's all i have to say.
#15
Quote by punchupatatigge
-
Imagine if a moment wasn't defined.

I like this. The simplicity goes well with the idea of "undefined".


That time my shoe was missing, and you giggled as you helped me look, when I said, "I'm
sorry."

simple and effective. th eonly thing I can try and say is maybe there's a chance to expand more on the characters here, but I think it would ruin the piece if it was longer, I dunno.

That time you cried over the cellphone, about the dandelions missing at Ground Zero, when I said, "I'm
sorry."

That time you couldn't tell me, just your eyes, when I said I was
sorry.

Love the difference here, with "I'm sorry" and " I was sorry". Great.


Imagine if a moment wasn't defined.

I loved what I got out of this, for me anyway, and therefore I loved the piece. Not much here to crit punch, you're last few have been pretty damn solid


If you could look out for one by me, soon today maybe, I dunno, 'twould be appreciated. Thanks.

Edit: Now in my sig
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 23, 2007,
#16
I don't know Tigg, there is very little substance here, which I guess is okay, but not completely my cup of tea. I know what you were shooting for here, but this seems like a very personal piece that to me is just that, with little for us to go off of.

But for what it is, not bad, just really work on improving from here if you're going to stay with this style for a while.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511084
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jan 24, 2007,