#1
Here's a song i wrote one day while in school. I call it Chlorine Dream.

I'm living in a chlorine dream
The world is blank and unseen
The colors change, flare out bright
Ebbing my control on life

The bull runs a wild path
Follow with persistant rath
Grab the horns, hold on tight
I wont lose my control on life

Driving a derailed train
Relax, enjoy the pain
Public face, drowns my fight
Ending my control on life


crits are welcome, please tell me what you think
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#2
I quite like it. Needs expanding and some structure perhaps, but a very good start. well done
#3

I'm living in a chlorine dream
The world is blank and unseen
The colors change, flare out bright
Ebbing my control on life Flows a bit wierd and the forced rhyme is obvious

The bull runs a wild path
Follow with persistant wrath
Grab the horns, hold on tight
I wont lose my control on lifeSeems cliche, and again, the rhyming seems forced

Driving a derailed train
Relax, enjoy the pain
Public face, drowns my fight
Ending my control on life also cliche and force rhymed

This was very cliche and the rhyming was definately force. I would definately consider revising it IMO. probably a 5-6/10. If you get a chance, could you crit mine (check sig) Thanks
#4
thanks Liberchaotica, and arctrooper225. Arctrooper225, please give me an example of the forced ryhme from it. i don't see what your talking about
#99 Member of the "Linkin Park Sucks" Club. PM Whstripesrox to join.

the doors, led zeppelin, grateful dead, rolling stones, yes, yardbirds, neil young ,csny, elo, elp
#6
well i didn't force any of the words, but thanks for your insight. I'll take it into consideration
#99 Member of the "Linkin Park Sucks" Club. PM Whstripesrox to join.

the doors, led zeppelin, grateful dead, rolling stones, yes, yardbirds, neil young ,csny, elo, elp
#7
i wouldnt change much

i think its excellent and original, with a persistant and well revealed theme

it'll stand very well in a song. its true lyrics. i can imagine them being sung
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#8
It confuses me a bit how some lines are half rhymes and some are "proper rhymes". Maybe a change to the sturcuture would make it flow better and i think that a set chorus wouln't be out of place
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#9
thanks tsp, and 9_11_4 . the verses are meant to be sung over a period of about 6-7 minutes. And i agree 9_11_4, i do need to write a chorus. thanks for your input
#99 Member of the "Linkin Park Sucks" Club. PM Whstripesrox to join.

the doors, led zeppelin, grateful dead, rolling stones, yes, yardbirds, neil young ,csny, elo, elp