#1
i just re-editted this everyone!
ya im not entirely sure what im trying to do here but i think its fairly straight foreward. this probly isnt done but with my kind of music its as long as i need so idk. be harsh but think about things before you say something about them, i did a lot of weird things here on purpose, whether or not i pulled it off well, i guess ill have to hear from you guys. also the name is temeporary (probably is anyway). crit for crit, thanks


people pretty bad at public speaking
like we all hope we want us to be here
someone might've liked to see you
trying to retelevise my breathing

he's pretty tactless in his attraction
and i'm still talking on politics backward
and neither one understands your sarcasm
still think we'll be waiting alone here forever
Last edited by sjada at Jan 25, 2007,
#3
I like the second verse more than the first, it seems to make more sense and flows a little easier. Good start though, just try not to over complicate it.

Could you crit mine, its wasted superstar. Cheers!!
#4
I only have one complaint, you keep changing the point of veiw, people, us, I, him, it gets a little confusing, but maybe that was your intention. I didn't really care for it a whole lot to be honest.

Plz leave a comment on my latest, "Surrounded by Sorrow" links in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 22, 2007,
#6
well it was definitely original compared to a lot of things i see here. i don't know if it's really necessary to use such bad grammar and confused points of view to make a point though. i think this still could've been a good piece without it. it's not really bad by any means, but it was really hard to follow and not as good as i thought it could've been. i think you should fix the grammatical errors and then pm me or something. it's pretty cool though, good job.
#7
people pretty bad at public speaking
like we all hope we want us to be here
someone might've liked to come to the screening
trying to televise my own breathing

he's pretty tactless in his attraction
and i'm still talking on politics backward
and neither one understands your sarcasm
still think we'll be waiting alone here forever

well thought it sounded like it was just random lines spruced together i got a slight filling of direction. im not sure what the lines are about at all though i got feelings of maybe social discontent but the line "trying to televise my own breathing" kinda throws me off.
Last edited by bgilb at Jan 23, 2007,
#8
thanks guys.
silence evolves: ya actually like the grammar thing, it fits my style well, its more interesting to me to write anyways. thanks tho
bgilb: i dont usually like to explain my writing but its king of meant to be about people being self absorbed
so ya guys thanks for that!
#9
"someone might've liked to come to the screening"

i didn't like that line. it kind of threw off the flow.

and the grammar and punctuation was atrocious.
i know you were trying to make a point, but it made
it a LOT harder to read than it should have been.

fix the grammar and punctuation. especially the punctuation.
it was painful to read because with no punctuation, it just
came off as one (or two, i guess) big run-on sentences.

fix that stuff and fix that one line and i think you might
actually have something kind of interesting in this piece.
it's much better than a lot of crap i see on here, but it
could use a lot of touch-ups to make it as good as it can be.

I just want to sleep forever.


#10
I'm with Grovermans and Silence, th epunctuation and grammar here I think did detract from the piece.

Other than that I hope you expand on this more, it was intriguing
#11
thanks guys! glad that someone thinks its better than half the crap on here
sorry i didnt take the time to do punctuation, i know how it would be punctuated but this is meant to be lyrics more than its meant to be read so i just left it out.
im not a big fan of grammar either as long as you can understand what im saying, altho i guess i might have been a little confusing with that here, ill look at it again i guess
and that one line that got pointed out, i kind of threw that in there as i was typing this to replace the original line, which i didnt like either so im still thinking about that.
thanks for all the help guys!

EDIT: i just made a little slight editting on this
Last edited by sjada at Jan 25, 2007,
#12
short and sweet. i really like this. i wouldn't change a thing
www.freewebs.com/silentproject