#3
Il try to crit it but i find this sort of thing hard to crit.
I find it difficult to find a particular rhythm to read it out but i cant say it doesnt flow because it does just in a different way everytime which is strange and i guess good. I like the line i plea for anamoly; hear an echo i thought it a very interesting and clever line. Also the last two lines i liked with the repetition. the title i also thought, after initially thinking it to be very randoming, was somehow fitting though i didnt get any meaning out of the song. I wasnt too keen on the first two lines however there was no real reason for me to say that and theres nothing i think you could really change. I like it though not something i would usually look at.
Please check out mine in my sig thanks.
#4
i like it very much. i just don't see the point of repetition for the "we" in the last line. its unneeded. same for the double i in the other line, but not sure how else you would say that.

unless of course you're emphasizing that? which would be interesting.
#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
huddled together in strings of succor.
hearts hung on the yearn of achievement.
i plea for anomaly; i hear an echo.
our acquisitions defined.
and we never move,
and we never notice our chains.


Great things about this poem:
Plato
Its length
"hung on the yearn"
Plato

Things I would change:
"i hear an"
"huddled"
"and" (1st)

Thing I don't understand:
"our acquisitions defined"
#9
Quote by pixiesfanyo
huddled together in strings of succor.

this is awesome. personally, i don't think you should change huddled. refering back to succor it gives that feeling of security, safey.

hearts hung on the yearn of achievement.

amazing diction here (and the whole poem in general); i love yearn being a characteristic of achievement, as it is but it's not often that we reconize it. we often think of it as hope instead so i like this a lot.

i plea for anomaly; i hear an echo.

I love the rhyme here. Nicely put. An echo is almost the opposite of an anomaly.

our acquisitions defined.
and we never move,
and we never notice our chains.

Agreed that you might be able to take out the first and (and almost the second one) to present it better. but if it changes your intentions then don't.



I loved it. I ****ing adore the title.