#1
This is OTS if that makes any difference. I recently found out that someone I'm really close to is deeply depressed, she's always been depressed, but she's recently started cutting and taking pills this somewhat reflects that, but when I write a piece that really reflects that, I want it to be good.


"Surrounded by Sorrow"

An ice sickle falls and shatters
It reminds me of my thoughts

Why should I worry when I can't help?

I glance at her wrist
and notice a few scars
I think about asking
but I hold my tongue


I'd do anything to help her
but I'm almost sure
anything I do
will only make it worse
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 22, 2007,
#2
that was really really bad, in my opinion.

try to not make it so cliche. use some original and creative ideas, try to not use words like "slit wrist", "scars", etc.

those last stanzas are bad. your first one flows alright and you use some pretty cool metaphors, i guess. try to make the rest like that so it doesnt sound like two different pieces of work.
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

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#3
not totally sure why you even explained it, as the entire poem felt like an explanation. there was no dimension to it that really intrigued me, to be honest.

did you mean ice sickle, or icicle?

An ice sickle falls and shatters
It reminds me of my thoughts
how they're broken and scattered

it seems like you're explaining your poem to someone. theres no open-endedness to anything!
#4
Green fox- There, I fixed it kind of, I just put the stanzas that didn't have any rhymes in italics, I wasn't really worried about rhymes, or anything while I was writing this. Thanks for the crit.

Punch- Thanks, I know it bugs you how I explain everything, but I can't seem to help it. I meant sickle, at least I think that's what they're called, I liked it cause it sounded like icicle, but means a sickle made of ice.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 22, 2007,
#5
I think that first stanza could be better if you jsut got rid of that last line.

EDIT: Oh, if you could take a look at my latest.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Jan 22, 2007,
#6
The first part is really, really good. After that it more or less seems like rambling which in my opinion a lot of people don't want to hear. It would sound a lot better if it were more structured. Not all songs have to have a writing scheme or follow anything if the lyric content and music overrides it. But here it just doesn't flow well at all except for the first verse, which I said has a great thing to it. That metaphor is awesome. So if the rest was worked on, it could be ten times better, but that one verse won't carry the song or poem at all.

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https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=507938
#7
Initially i thought that ice sickle was supposed to be icicle but as youve said its as its meant to be and i liked that and made for a really interesting introduction to this piece and sets the scene for an excellent piece of work. But i dont feel that the rest of it really meets up to the beginning of it. I think it could be because its so quickly to the point maybe if you were to use more imagery and metaphors to describe the cuts and feeling rather than stating what you saw. Also i think the last section you were going for a dramatic ending or its the feeling i got but it never really came and it sort of leaves you hanging. Im sorry to hear about your friend and i hope she gets better soon.
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#8
ya i agree with what a lot of people said about it being kind of blatant. sorry. ive done similar stuff and its good just to write it for yourself but its not gonna really mean much to someone else, even if theyve been in the same situation. thanks for the crit tho