#1

I ran down the highway
with my car trailing behind me

thinking
about how haunting it'd be
to see everything I write about
written out in front of me.

Carelessly, I stepped on a flower
that seemed to grow from a cigarette butt
and it disappeared.

But a couple days later
I found her laid here
six feet beneath my steering wheel

and I slammed on my brakes.


i'll return any comments if you leave a link, and maybe even if you don't. i've been tossing this around all day at school and this is what i've got. criticism greatly appreciated. compliments as well. thanks.
#2
wow thats kinda scary! though very well written. Initially it seemed like it was going to be a nice calm sort of poem but ended very dramatic and probably more interesting if iv got anywhere near the right meaning!

I ran down the highway
with my car trailing behind me

thinking
about how haunting it'd be
to see everything I write about
written out in front of me.

I like how thinking is given a seperate line here it makes you start to think about the poem even after just three lines. I also like the run and trailing in the first line it really shows how your seeing it from a different place and seeing things about a car crash which is what i have been assuming this piece is about and how you see things afterwards in situations?
Carelessly, I stepped on a flower
that seemed to grow from a cigarette butt
and it disappeared.

I didnt understand this stanza it seemed very vague but for that i liked it it seemed that this was the point where it started to change the mood again a very good stanza.
But a couple days later
I found her laid here
six feet beneath my steering wheel

and I slammed on my brakes.

I love this ending it changes the meaning of everything that has preceded it and is an incredible ending.
I really liked this work i probably haven't helped much in just praising but im not a great "critter" and couldnt pick any faults with it so good job!
Please check out mine in my sig thank you.
#3
This makes me realize two things.

1) You really really do deserve my vote for wotm.

2) It's about damn time you get on tilt so we can do that heads up.
#4
thats really good. not many things this short can sound so good. the third stanza seemed a bit out of place to me, in one way i liked the way it stood out but in another it seemed like it was kind of disrupting your theme so i really dont no what other people would think about it. maybe im missing something there. really loved it tho. if you could crit my new one in my sig thatd be cool, its pretty short
#6
Yeah this is a very provoking piece and succeeds where a few of your last have failed, and thats to deliver a non-personal message. Theres hardly anything I can say, except for "I found her laid here" I thought there would sound better, as it is a few days after, thus it becomes there, unless the character had stayed. Just a minor observation.

Nice stuff.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
thanks dude means a lot coming from you.

i don't know if that's grammatically correct since i'm referring to a different here [my car] versus the one before [the car wreck]. so by here, i mean, here, beneath my steering wheel, while before i was running outsdie. you see what i mean? thanks again though.
#8
Quote by SilenceEvolves

I ran down the highway
with my car trailing behind me

you were ghost ridin' nigga

thinking
about how haunting it'd be
to see everything I write about
written out in front of me.

you said the word haunting, I think this song is about the ghost busters.

Carelessly, I stepped on a flower
that seemed to grow from a cigarette butt
and it disappeared.

disappeared, more ghost terms.

But a couple days later
I found her laid here
six feet beneath my steering wheel

six feet beneath, buried dead people. WHAM

and I slammed on my brakes.


i'll return any comments if you leave a link, and maybe even if you don't. i've been tossing this around all day at school and this is what i've got. criticism greatly appreciated. compliments as well. thanks.


This is about either, ghost ridin' or ghost busters.

both are equally cool.

so I give this my approval.

check out mine baby.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9

I ran down the highway
with my car trailing behind me

More car/highway imagery? Hm... What the hell happened?

thinking
about how haunting it'd be
to see everything I write about
written out in front of me.

It's true... Very interesting idea, and EXCELLENT use of rhyme here. This is how you use simple rhyme, new writers, take note.

Carelessly, I stepped on a flower
that seemed to grow from a cigarette butt
and it disappeared.

Reminds me of Matt, with somewhat nonsensical, and yet sensical, imagery. I like it. Although 'and it disappeared' seems so... typical. Like I've seen this image before.

But a couple days later
I found her laid here
six feet beneath my steering wheel

and I slammed on my brakes.

Haunting. I can't say anything more about this...


i'll return any comments if you leave a link, and maybe even if you don't. i've been tossing this around all day at school and this is what i've got. criticism greatly appreciated. compliments as well. thanks.

Nice work. You are just rolling(no pun intended) out these excellent pieces lately. I'll post a link tomorrow... hopefully I'll write something new. My most recent isn't very good...
#10
you should like. make a fucking book out of all these car poems.
you could call it. like. uh. a brake from all the other subjects. hahah.
that was so incredibly lame. but seriously. so many car poems.

but this one, i think, was even better than your other ones.
it seemed to have a lot more thought put into it for some reason.
it was more thought provoking than the other ones. so. yeah.

good job, corebear. i liked it a lot.

I just want to sleep forever.


#11
This one, I believe, is a follow up to his last one. And it pretty much rocks my life to pieces. Although I gotta say...

you were ghost ridin' nigga


Something_Vague wins.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

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#12
[Hook x2]
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Go dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb

[Verse 1: E-40]
Ooh. Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake em
I aint got none, but I'm planning on growing some
Imagine all the Hebrews going dumb
Dancing on top of chariots and turning tight ones (eeerrrrr)
Ooh, tell me when to go (dumb)
Talking on my ghettro on the way to the store
... My 2nd or 3rd trip
Some Henny, some Swishers and some Listerine strips
Dr. Greenthumb lift, just to ease my thoughts
Not just the cops, but the homies you got to watch
The moon is full, look at the dark clouds
Sitting in my scrapper, watching Oakland go wild... Ta-dow
I don't bump mainstream, I knock underground
All that other shit, sugar-coated and watered down
I'm from the Bay where we hyphy and go dumb
From the soil where them rappers be getting their lingo from

[Hook x2]
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Go dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb

[Verse 2: Keak Da Sneak]
I'm off that 18 purple juice
.... Like a mayne, labeled the Black Zeus
King of the super dooper hyphy (hyphy, hyphy, hyphy, hyphy)
And your wife, she don't like me (like me, like me, like me, like me)
From the Bay to the A
Put me in the back wood, Swisher sweet bud, go to the store
Bitches wish I wrote, I said they couldn't be saved by John Doe (John Doe)
I slid past on the gas, bitches looking at me
It's good, it's good like the granddaddy
Cross game, you get flipped like a burger patty
Or zig-zagged... pass me a big old fatty
.... I drink white, with a slow bunny
Talking big shit in the scrapper, going hella dummy
1800, Jose Cuervo
Yaddadamean, yaddada I'm saying though

[Hook x2]
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Go dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb

[Outro: E-40]
[x4] Ghost-ride the whip
[x8] Now... Scrape
[x4] Put your stunna shades on
[x2] Now... Gas, brake, dip, dip
[x4] Shake them dreads
[x4] Let me see you show your grill
[x4] Now... Thizz face
[x4] Doors open, mayne
[x4] Now... Watch em swang
[x2] Go stupid, go (dumb, dumb)

[Hook x2]
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Tell me when to go... Tell me when to go...
Go dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13
Well corey, this is kind of clever, but in an awkward, forced kind of way. I remember you did one like this a while ago, were the person saw a flower on the side of the road while driving, then it died or something.

just was a little too shocking at the end for me....i like it when you are a little more subtle with your ideas.
#14
invisible driver! invisible driver!

thanks everyone i really appreciate it.

i faintly remember the one you're talking about bj, but i think that had a completely different point to it than this one. this one is trying to say that it like got caught in the sole of my shoe and i carried it with me on the surface. i'd say this one is much more subtle than most of my recent things, if only because i tried to convey much more with less writing and my last few have been pretty long. thanks a lot though.

i'll return all comments and respond to other things i wanted to comment on but didn't have the time to when i get home tonight.