#1
The Cull

It’s been the same ever since this started
Silently resigned to distant heartache
And all that was ever asked of you was love

Is it in the stars, is your palm so readable?
You chose to believe the unbelievable
A martyr’s life half empty? Never full

[bridge]
So why do you shoot yourself so selfishly?
You put another ‘u’ in you
That no one else can see

[chorus]
It’s that strange and incessant craving
To be and feel insulted
Nobody wants to hurt you
But you’ll get it ‘cos you want it

Did you ever put on the other shoes?
From where sad eyes stand confused by you
And all they ever asked of you was love

It’s not all your fault; of course it’s not
But just let yourself see what you’ve got
Don’t add the first-born feeling to the cull
Last edited by jaykayzer at Jan 30, 2007,
#2
It’s been the same ever since this started
Silently resigned to distant heartache
And all that was ever asked of you was love

Is it in the stars, is your palm so readable?
You chose to believe the unbelievable
A martyr’s live half empty? Never full
----------nice verse, but wats "a martyrs live half empty?" mean?
[bridge]
So why do you shoot yourself so selfishly?
You put another ‘u’ in you------nice, expect i dont get this line
That no one else can see

[chorus]
It’s that strange and incessant craving
To be and feel insulted
Nobody wants to hurt you
But you’ll get it ‘cos you want it-----nice chorus, its awsome

Did you ever put on the other shoes?
From where sad eyes stand confused by you
And all they ever asked of you was love

It’s not all your fault; of course it’s not
But just let yourself see what you’ve got
Don’t add the first-born feeling to the cull---not bad verse, i dont kno wat a cull is tho


overal well done. just like 1 line or 2 lines that i dont get/dont like
about a 8/10

thx for the crit
#4
It’s been the same ever since this started
Silently resigned to distant heartache
And all that was ever asked of you was love

This parts not bad but not special compared to some of later sections a better introduction could make this a more powerful piece.

Is it in the stars, is your palm so readable?
You chose to believe the unbelievable
A martyr’s life half empty? Never full

I think on L3 you could leave out "never full" because it doesnt really add to the line or stanza and seems forced to reach a certain flow whereas you could miss it out and make the part before it more powerful. The two lines before it are good the only complaint is is the is necessary in L1!


[bridge]
So why do you shoot yourself so selfishly?
You put another ‘u’ in you
That no one else can see

Really good i've always liked wordplays and u and you is a really nice one.


[chorus]
It’s that strange and incessant craving
To be and feel insulted
Nobody wants to hurt you
But you’ll get it ‘cos you want it

Good chorus nothing bad nothing to amazing but it works

Did you ever put on the other shoes?
From where sad eyes stand confused by you
And all they ever asked of you was love

L2 i think would sound better without "from" as there would be a nicer flow. L3 seems a bit disjointed and doest flow or really fit too well.


It’s not all your fault; of course it’s not
But just let yourself see what you’ve got
Don’t add the first-born feeling to the cull

Again it works but nothing special

This piece is a nice start i feel it could be improved quite a lot and made into a really good piece as the idea is good, keep working on it!

Please check out the top one in my sig thanks.