#1
OTS writing. I'm not sure about it, so I posted it on here. Crit4Crit.


Let’s sit so deep
Inside igloos
That the only
Discomfort would
Be from sudden
Drops of liquid
Hitting the tips
Of our noses

And possibly
We will slowly
Evaporate
With the rest of
The snow and the
Rest of the rain
Back to where we
Truly belong
#2
Its good, got a kind of abstract feel to it, very alternative sounding, carry it on a little, i really wanna see where this is going.
#3
Let’s sit so deep
Inside igloos
That the only
Discomfort would
Be from sudden
Drops of liquid
Hitting the tips
Of our noses

I didn't really like the igloo thing, but that's just my opinion, other than that this was a good stanza.

And possibly
We will slowly
Evaporate
With the rest of
The snow and the
Rest of the rain
Back to where we
Truly belong

Doesn't really sound quite right, I didn't like the ending.

This was okay for an on the spot, the stanza that I think needs the most work is the 2nd, maybe come up with a different ending. I can't think of any other ways to improve it.

Plz crit my latest "Surrounded by Sorrow" links in my sig.
#4
Posted by me:
Plz crit my latest "Surrounded by Sorrow" links in my sig.

Scratch that, plz crit my latest "Struggle" links in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 23, 2007,