#1
Exploration #4


When the semantics of the sea recognise our reflections,
crests carve white halogen signposts like streetlamps.
They guide us. And we sink, so obviously we sink--
into puddles of peril along the sidewalk to our right,
or oceans of obscurity along the shoreline to our left.

As much as we do each other.

words (Breathe) are (Relax) exchanged (Sink)
between (Breaths) us (Relax) both. (Sink...)

Words are our keystone.
"Its true."

Until the only prevailing evidence is;
Four skeletal clenching hands,
Three certain little words
Two hearts hopelessly beating a penultimate note,
in a chorus of lungs,
water and defeat,
and one predicable outcome for us.

"I love you too"

When all we really did was sit at the end of the pier,
letting our imaginations run riot to break the quiet of night.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jan 23, 2007,
#2
alright firstly im going to assume these are lyrics..
i love the wording it really flows well.. i just don't understand what the boldness and greyness have to do with it>> are they emphasised words.. Love the imagery it creates makes me think deeply about the words.. Great Job!
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#3
Well its neither really, but since I didn't have "song" in mind its a poem. The bold and grey parts are meant to be read vertically as well as the ordinary horizontal lines. Thanks
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Breathe (words) Relax (are) Sink (exchanged)
Breathe (between) Relax (us) Sink (both)


I think that part would be just as good if you separated it into two lines, but I guess it doesn't matter. I did like the bold words in the first stanza. I'll edit more just a sec.

EDIT:

words (Breathe) are (Relax) exchanged (Sink)
between (Breaths) us (Relax) both. (Sink...)


I think that's slightly better, but there's not a real difference from before.

The four word thing leading to "I love you too," takes this piece up a few notches in my opinion, I really love the hidden messages in gray and bold. This is a strong piece on it's own, but as Matheiu said the extra stuff makes this an excellent piece.

Plz leave a comment on my latest poem, "Struggle"
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 23, 2007,
#5
This shows great mastery of language. As a stand-alone piece it's quite up par. If you consider the add-ons, well...it's just a really great piece if you ask me. There's not much I can crit except the part kyle pointed out. It just didn't flow really well. There are either too many parenthesis or missing dots in between each words. Because the reader just loses the flow there.

It's really entertaining to see what you did with the subject. keep pulling 'em off.

-Mathieu
#6
Thanks guys, I altered that little part, it might read better now.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
seriously intriguing stuff man...my guess is that House of Leaves is rubbing off a little here?

All of the highlighted words commence into something beautiful, especially the four words one, and how your originally used the word 'defeat' to describe it....idk, I just loved that.

I am curious to know if you started out with the highlighted words or the other way around when you attacked this piece, cause I'm thinking either way had to be a hell of a challange.

talk to ya soon, alright?

-BJ
#8
Oh, that first stanza is pronounciation perfection - and the creative twist many people lack the eloquent creativity for, is quite excellent.
#9
I had trouble distinguishing the bold and grey bits, but I love the idea.

Other than not much to say but "Nice work "
Populus vult decipi. Decipiatur.

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#10
i'm glad you put that title, i probably wouldn't have read this otherwise, but i'm glad i did. it was really great. i can't say too much about it, but the format of the colors and the counting and the language, it's all great.
#12
Semantics carve us into the shoreline. lovely.

I found the part "words(Breathe)" part rather distracting myself, and the line before that seemed rather unnecessary, or just lonely and in need of something more behind it. the "so obviously we sink" part sort of made me want another word besides obviously. Maybe "the quiet of the Deep" I know that changes things but overall I like that.

Other than that this was quite enjoyable. Some of the best stuff to be read on here.
If you wouldn't mind please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#13
as much as it pains me to compare this to Brand New, i have to say it reminds me very much of "Play Crack the Sky". except it's better. and, for once, you are both understandable and relatable. the bold/highlighted words were a nice touch as well.
-Landon
#14
I was thinking a similar thing, very Brand New-y. I must confess, Hurt Within, whilst sometimes I've appreciated but never fully enjoyed your work, this one was absolutely perfect, in every sense. Apart from the minor correction which has already been made, I can't fault it.

One VERY minor thing -

"Words are our keystone.
"Its true." - the "its" should be "it's".

Other than that, awesome stuff!

If ya get a spare sec, see mine, I'd be much obliged - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511289
#16
Well its difficult to know where to start. I love the way it reads with the bold and the greyed letters being read vertically as well as horizontally, absolutely amazing. But even as a poem to me it just doesnt sit well with me, don't get me wrong. There's great language, imagery, its very clever, its poignant but its just not the sort of thing I'd enjoy listening to or reading. Thats not to say that its not good though because it has a lot going for it, the bold and grey really is impressive but as I said, its not the sort of thing that I enjoy.
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace
#17
When the semantics of the sea recognise our reflections,
crests carve white halogen signposts like streetlamps.
They guide us. And we sink, so obviously we sink-------its probly just me, but i dont like the repeating the sinking part.

into puddles of peril along the sidewalk to our right,
or oceans of obscurity along the shoreline to our left.

As much as we do each other.

words (Breathe) are (Relax) exchanged (Sink)
between (Breaths) us (Relax) both. (Sink...)----------i love this part, best part of the song

Words are our keystone.
"Its true."

Until the only prevailing evidence is;
Four skeletal clenching hands,
Three certain little words
Two hearts hopelessly beating a penultimate note,
in a chorus of lungs,
water and defeat,
and one predicable outcome for us.

"I love you too"

When all we really did was sit at the end of the pier,
letting our imaginations run riot to break the quiet of night.-----this part is ok, but the rest of the poem was soooooo good at painting imagery in the mind, and this ending didnt really do that for me.
but over all, i love it, VERY nice job.
9.8/10
you are a very good writer, keep it up.

if you could crit mine i would be very pleased.

death omen
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514819
last hope
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514001
#18
When the semantics of the sea recognise our reflections,
crests carve white halogen signposts like streetlamps.
They guide us. And we sink, so obviously we sink--
into puddles of peril along the sidewalk to our right,
or oceans of obscurity along the shoreline to our left.


great imagery here... the only thing that came to mind was that you wouldnt normally associate sinking with puddles... but i guess technically it's correct... and i love the use of "left" and "right" to conrast "puddles" and "oceans".


As much as we do each other.


it's probly just me... but i'm not fully getting what this line is relating to.... is it refering to guiding each other? ... i think it would be useful to have another line to tie it in better... but like i said... the problem could just be me and the state i'm in.


words (Breathe) are (Relax) exchanged (Sink)
between (Breaths) us (Relax) both. (Sink...)


i like this much better with the changes... excellent.


Words are our keystone.
"Its true."

Until the only prevailing evidence is;
Four skeletal clenching hands,
Three certain little words
Two hearts hopelessly beating a penultimate note,
in a chorus of lungs,
water and defeat,
and one predicable outcome for us.

"I love you too"


the countdown is great... adds to the flow... nothing to complain about here.


When all we really did was sit at the end of the pier,
letting our imaginations run riot to break the quiet of night.


i think the ending is perfect too.

excellent job... probably my favourite piece of yours that i've read... the only minor things i've found are probably more of my problem than yours.... so yeah good work... and thanks for the crit on mine.
#20
words (Breathe) are (Relax) exchanged (Sink)
between (Breaths) us (Relax) both. (Sink...)

Words are our keystone.
"Its true."

I don't know about that. other than that though I really liked it. I'll admitt it's been a while since I read one of your pieces, but I'm really impressed with this.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#21
Yay finally something that's accessible/easy to read

I hate your title though

but lovely altogether

Steve don't need no real crits
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#22
Hehe thanks to everyone, spike its great to see you about again. Frenchy and system thanks a lot. I'm returning crits in the morning if I haven't already. ^ and son the title was only temporary, well it should have another after it cause I wrote 5 pieces on the theme of exploration. Thanks again everyone, it means alot. It doesn't really bother me I dont get full crits, to know you're all reading and enjoying them is enough. And see I do listen to the masses. Expect more of the same soon.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#24
Quote by The Hurt Within
Exploration #4


When the semantics of the sea recognise our reflections,
crests carve white halogen signposts like streetlamps.
They guide us. And we sink, so obviously we sink--
into puddles of peril along the sidewalk to our right,
or oceans of obscurity along the shoreline to our left.

Good start. I wasn't really all that mesmerized (I need a better word than that) by the structure. Although I don't mind enjambment, reading this was overtly challenging, especially when trying to find a rhythm.

As much as we do each other.

words (Breathe) are (Relax) exchanged (Sink)
between (Breaths) us (Relax) both. (Sink...)

This is interesting, but there just seems to be too much going on here.

Words are our keystone.
"Its true."

Until the only prevailing evidence is; No idea what the semi-colon is there for.
Four skeletal clenching hands,
Three certain little words
Two hearts hopelessly beating a penultimate note,
in a chorus of lungs,
water and defeat,
and one predicable outcome for us.

"I love you too"

When all we really did was sit at the end of the pier,
letting our imaginations run riot to break the quiet of night.

All of that was pretty good. Again, there just seems to be too much going on, with the italics and the bold; I realise their purpose, but the whole look of the poem detracts from the enjoyment of reading it.


Fin.
#25
I owe you, but it's hard to crit your pieces.

It was a pleaant read. I didn't "get" it, but yeah, it was good, and flowed as well as you want anything to.

#26
Sorry to sound like an ass, but how didn't you get it, the whole piece hinges around the last two lines. Its just about 2 people becoming one through their thoughts. When in fact they're both doing nothing.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.