#1
And I'm drooling out of my mouth right now
getting lost and found in time
I'd like to know oh where to go
with all this life thats in my palms

A century led unto eternity
by a simpleminded complex dream
Aurora Borealis meets
the power of Mind repeatedly

It's the stars, Ocean on light
without a sky tonight
and I'm Dreaming
and I'm flicking the switch
but nothing wants to give:
Lucidity

Floating by my pets that died
with my eyes that lag behind
a tombstone to stone me all alone
I'm Wake walking my life unto

The Sun setting, burned
by its mate that returned
and I'm Dreaming
And I'm Looking n'to the mirror
but my faces are just a haze:
Lucidity

Another Dimension to Life
not to mention not Alive
To all the Living I'm just Dead
But I'm Living all the Times again...


thanks for the read crit for crit leave links.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#2
Quote by societies_worm
And I'm drooling out of my mouth right now
getting lost and found in time
I'd like to know oh where to go
with all this life thats in my palms

Doesn't grab me but I absolutely love the not-quite-perfect rhyming between the 2nd and 4th lines, brilliant.

A century led unto eternity
by a simpleminded complex dream
Aurora Borealis meets
the power of Mind repeatedly

Don't like this at all. Sorry but I find it pretentious and seems like its using complicated terminology purely for the sake of it. Sorry.

It's the stars, Ocean on light
without a sky tonight
and I'm Dreaming
and I'm flicking the switch
but nothing wants to give:
Lucidity

I love this, absolutely great, don't change a word

Floating by my pets that died
with my eyes that lag behind
a tombstone to stone me all alone
I'm Wake walking my life unto

Yeah... this is ok its not my cup of tea, but its alright

The Sun setting, burned
by its mate that returned
and I'm Dreaming
And I'm Looking n'to the mirror
but my faces are just a haze:
Lucidity

Love the slight change, preferred the first version but this still really good.

Another Dimension to Life
not to mention not Alive
To all the Living I'm just Dead
But I'm Living all the Times again...

Great ending, the second line in particular sounds great.


Not too bad, some stunning stanzas in there but also some other bits that pull it down, I like it overall though. Good effort!
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