#1
I don't know, personal, leave links. Thanks all.

"devotion and division; what we devote ourselves to tends to divide us in two"

i'm buried inside this mess; a reserved convalescent,
beneath hushed prayers and under an influence..
or rather, a different perspective.

i slur and alter such prominently defined words,
and act as if they held a different meaning.

all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
text dictates the plot of withered paper,
but the books are based on prayer, or rather, a hope.
and we're a bit weary with where this is going,
but we decide to read on.

'look to the horizon: I'll wait for you there with a candle in hand,
I'll wait for you there with a burnt out match in my hand.
I'll wait for you there with these burnt out hands.'

it's not something to understand,
it's something short of an introduction;
lest the prologue deems itself a disinterest,
hidden underneath a ruined stage.
in fear of anything other than being left alone,
in fear of being the focal point of a discerning crowd.

and we're all buried somewhere in this,
reserved in our own judgements.
all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
love. is. love. is. love. is. love. is.
this.
is.
love.
is.
this.
love.

we've always been based on this.
#2
Holy crap dude.

That was amazing, very powerfull.

"but the books are based on prayer, or rather, a hope.
and we're a bit weary with where this is going,
but we decide to read on."

amazing. 10/10
#3
I know I haven't much liked your stuff in the past, but this I like a lot. It's a lot easier to follow, for one, but doesn't lose much of its power. My only complaint is that some of the images could be linked together, (fire, pain, and passion come to mind) pretty easily, but no really clear connection is made. Other than that I really enjoyed this, especially the wordplay at the end.

Rock On
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#4
Wow, just wow, i got no complaints this is great the way it is.. Is it lyrics though or poetry.. if its lyrics what style is it in.. this excites me greatly
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#5
"devotion and division; what we devote ourselves to tends to divide us in two"


i'm buried inside this mess; a reserved convalescent,
beneath hushed prayers and under an influence..
or rather, a different perspective.

Nice opening, loved the use on Convalescent. "beneath hushed prayers" doesn't flow too well, just kinda too many sonorous sounds. I.e. vowel sounds.

i slur and alter such prominently defined words,
and act as if they held a different meaning.

Yeha not bad, not alot to go on, as we know not what the "words" are. Perhaps felt "act" could be substituted. Perhaps for a word pertaing either to words/church. Perhaps "teach" or "preach."

all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
text dictates the plot of withered paper,
but the books are based on prayer, or rather, a hope.
and we're a bit weary with where this is going,
but we decide to read on.

Didn't like the double "been" in L1 "has been" could be just "is" instead. Not sure why you've gone from "I" to "we" now. "books are based" sounded kinda weak compared to some of the diction before. This stanza just feels slightly badly worded...
many "we" 's, "we're" 's and "we've" 's.


'look to the horizon: I'll wait for you there with a candle in hand,
I'll wait for you there with a burnt out match in my hand.
I'll wait for you there with these burnt out hands.'

The last burnt out didn't fit, theres something better waiting there. The other two are fine.

it's not something to understand,
it's something short of an introduction;
lest the prologue deems itself a disinterest,
hidden underneath a ruined stage.
in fear of anything other than being left alone,
in fear of being the focal point of a discerning crowd.

no qualms.

and we're all buried somewhere in this,
reserved in our own judgements.
all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
love. is. love. is. love. is. love. is.
this.
is.
love.
is.
this.
love.

we've always been based on this.

Actually a really strong ending. I like the repeats, overall this is up and down, parts feel polished and others feel thrown together, I liked the overall premise of the piece but wasn't fully take by the content, it lacked focus on the surroundings, either use them or avoid them, and this piece only went there to fill out and get fancy in places.

Sorry if I'm harsh, UG just needs some decent crits.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
It was great. Though I personally wouldn't take advice from someone who doesn't know that "a lot" is two words, myself.
#8
and act as if they held a different meaning.
i agree with steve. find another word for "act".

all we are and all we've been has been based on this.
again, i agree with steve. the two "been"s don't really work.

'look to the horizon: I'll wait for you there with a candle in hand,
I'll wait for you there with a burnt out match in my hand.
I'll wait for you there with these burnt out hands.'

i don't like this part. the second of these lines doesn't
flow as well as the beginning of the stanza flows.
i also don't like the way the last line was phrased.
it just seems like you could have chosen better wording.
also, the repetition of "hands" at the end of each line
just makes it sound awkward, especially because the flow
really isn't very good. it just sounds... really really weird.
this is really the only weak stanza, though, in my opinion.

the rest of it was excellent. very powerful.
i could really tell it was very personal to you.
i could feel the emotion in it, and for that,
i congratulate you, mr. keeno.

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
Thanks Pete, smooth, and 9/11. I appreciate your words.

Steve, I always love you and your crits, never apologize for being harsh. I think you could always be a little more harsh with what you say, if you know what I mean.

Thanks _Chavs, but trust me, I didn't try hard at all in this one. This was more of a release thing if anything. I could have put more effort into how I worded certain things (the double "been" part, for instance), but it all was used for what it meant to me.

Thanks blinkk, but trust me, if you don't take THW's advice.. you're friggin' retarded. No joke.

And last, but maybe not least, friggin' Kyle. You friggin' son of a gun, it's about time you came back here. Thanks, bud. I appreciate your words.

Thanks again all, I really doubt I'll revise this one at all.. like I said, it was more of a release type thing, not so much written for the sake of writing a poem, just written for the sake of saying things.