#1
he stumbles about,
goes at your mouth
like trying to suck your soul out

most likely succeeding
I keep watching
maybe I'll learn something

but later, late
the hands I put around your waist
are just dead weight
I do my best to look you in the eyes
while your lips are a locked door
(much to my surprise)
to a safe warm corridor

I'm "acting weird" again

Nixon, I get it
the situation you were in:
stuck in a bad war you can't win
or easily exit
with all that's invested
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
hey this is pretty good, i like the imagery created by the metaphors you've used
the only bit i dont like is the later late bit, maybe rephrasing would be helpful
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9_11_4:
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...
I you 9_11_4, you like Chuck, Opeth, and don't mind porn, that = epic metul win.


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Ash, stop masturbating.
#3
yeah, I'm not big on that part either
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
Quote by less than that
he stumbles about,
goes at your mouth
like trying to suck your soul out
Vague. Not liking the sucking of the soul part. Doesn't seem as interesting to me as I think you meant it to be.

most likely succeeding
I keep watching
maybe I'll learn something
I don't know if this was intentional, but i think you missed a comma after succeeding, other than that, nothing much here.

but later, late
the hands I put around your waist
are just dead weight
Ah, i get it now. First few lines are much more clear now. It just appears to me that someone is trying to pick up tips on how to treat a girl.
I do my best to look you in the eyes
while your lips are a locked door
(much to my surprise)
to a safe warm corridor
A safe warm corridor? that's an interesting way to put it. Were the parentheses neccesary?

I'm "acting weird" again
This line made me laugh, 'cause it's exactly how many, if not all, people feel at some point in time when placed in the apparent situation.

Nixon, I get it
the situation you were in:
stuck in a bad war you can't win
or easily exit
with all that's invested
I just don't get this line...I thought nixon was in Watergate? not a war, unless you mean a metaphorical (is that a word) one.


Its been awhile, albeit a few months and a new user name since I read any of your stuff. But I thought this was a good piece. Maybe a bit bland at times, but I think that may be because of my lack of comprehension. Really, though, you've written better, even if this piece is solid.