#1
Hey all! I haven't posted since the summer and have something that i would like to be analyzed by the boards. I dont really have too many friends that can analyze, let alone read, poetry. I would appreciate any input for i am turning this in tomorrow. Thank you as always.


“Tomorrow”

The view from my second-story room
Shows a myriad of mermaids singing
A minuet praising a broken horizon
Full of melancholy memories
And a heavenly father’s stories

This same sky is home to
A flying phoenix falling
Into the same flame
That ignites its familiar feathers
Revealing the true colors of destruction
Things will never be the same

In a crib some thousand miles below
An innocent child’s cry is silenced
By the fallout the wind blows
All while the malleable metals melt
And time is truly frozen
Thing will never be the same

The devil’s swan dive of infanticide
Has shown us the power of fractional fission
And how death can linger in the breeze
Things will never be the same


God has fallen to his knees
#2
wow big words, like it, what type of song is it?
Quote by yawn
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#3
i feel the alliteration and whatnot is overdone in a few spots. awkward choice of words too for my taste. malleable metals? myriad of mermaids? fractional fission? I think you should calm it down a little in some spots, dumb down the wording if you will. dont be afraid of being vague or not having enough adjectives. thats not what makes a good song or poem for that matter. in fact, just the opposite. people love to spend time trying to figure out what the hell you're thinking. this is nice, just needs some smoothing out I think.