#1
you all know what to do......


If we could alter the flow of our blood.
Like a mistaken bullet guided by our hearts.
We'd sit through these colours,
but trust in the rain,
These rainbows won't lead us to anything.

There's a sliver of light from the hall.
It's been telling you something,
but you brush it off.
Now your breathing is laboured,
your heart begins to race,
you've taken the shot that will start everything.


But everything isn't enough.
We all shake the hand of gravity,
to test the boundaries of love.

Now the message is clear.
Your hope like a halo,
hung in the air.

Slowly it's slipping down.
If it hangs any longer your lungs will give out.


Now you flinch at the sound,
every cellar door makes.
Then in walks your maker,
to pull your heart strings.

We're trying to close the gap,
between your lips and where i stand.
That way you can speak softer,
and you don't have to scream.


And this is what we call consistency.
This is where we die for what we believe in.


Everything isn't enough.
We all shake the hand of gravity,
to test the boundaries of love.

Now the message is clear.
Your hope like a halo,
hung in the air.

Slowly it's slipping down.
If it hangs any longer your lungs will give out.


So calm,
and collected.
Embrace the disease,
before you're infected.
The same pulse,
beats in time,
to all the victims,
who've lived your life.
#2
ok its pretty good
you didnt really tell us what style its going to be in
it sounds sorta nu-metal, metalcore, hardcore whatever they call it these days
this bit, im assuming is the chorus i dont like
But everything isn't enough.
We all shake the hand of gravity,
to test the boundaries of love.

but the rest is good
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#3
If we could alter the flow of our blood.
Like a mistaken bullet guided by our hearts.
We'd sit through these colours,
but trust in the rain,
These rainbows won't lead us to anything.

Great beginning, the first line really catches the attention of the listener. I really like how you have to different images in this verse. First the blood and bullets, then the colors and rainbows. They don't really fit together when you think about it, but here, the way you wrote it, they seem to mesh really well. Great job.

There's a sliver of light from the hall.
It's been telling you something,
but you brush it off.
Now your breathing is laboured,
your heart begins to race,
you've taken the shot that will start everything.

Nice build up of tension, the breaks work well with the content. The last line seems a little wordy and simple compared to the rest. I like the foreshadowing, but I think you could rephrase that better.


But everything isn't enough.
We all shake the hand of gravity,
to test the boundaries of love.

This is my favorite part. It's simple, but gets the point across. Surprisingly, it really rolls of the tongue and flows well. I don't think I've ever come across a metaphor like this before. Nice thinking, man.

Now the message is clear.
Your hope like a halo,
hung in the air.

I'm not real fond of the second line, it's a bit awkward sounding which is something that hasn't come up in your song before.

Slowly it's slipping down.
If it hangs any longer your lungs will give out.

This is a great transition, it ties the two verses to each other well and keeps the flow going.

Now you flinch at the sound,
every cellar door makes.
Then in walks your maker,
to pull your heart strings.

This is great, I really love the first two lines, the last two though are kinda average sounding to me.

We're trying to close the gap,
between your lips and where i stand.
That way you can speak softer,
and you don't have to scream.

Last line is the weakest in this verse, it's great, but I don't think it efficiently wraps this stanza up. It's almost a bump, messing with the flow to the next verse.

And this is what we call consistency.
This is where we die for what we believe in.

Okay.

Everything isn't enough.
We all shake the hand of gravity,
to test the boundaries of love.

Now the message is clear.
Your hope like a halo,
hung in the air.

Slowly it's slipping down.
If it hangs any longer your lungs will give out.


So calm,
and collected.
Embrace the disease,
before you're infected.
The same pulse,
beats in time,
to all the victims,
who've lived your life.

Ha! I love the ending. Don't change a thing here, it's perfect.

Overall, this is a great song, really kickass. There were no cliches and none of the concepts or imagery was overused. The flow is okay except in a few rough patches, but they should be fine. Hope this helps a little bit. Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
yeah the style for most of my stuff is somewhere between screamo and hardcore... thats what i go for anyways.

and yeah i think that the first line of the chorus is pretty week... any suggestions are welcome... i'll probably end up changing it either way.

and thanks for the crit nerk... i can always count on you for one haha... so in return i will get around to yours soon... i dont think i've done your latest yet.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jan 23, 2007,
#5
i hav one question before i crit it.... is this about doing drugs?
Why do I let myself drown n the tears Ive cried4u over&over again When I know that u wont rescue me?
THE HARDEST GIFT2GIVE IS LOVE U KNOW IS NOT RETURNED
Whats the point n smilin if u hav no1 2smile4
#6
ha well to be honest it wasn't about anything specific really... wish i could say otherwise but it was kind of just random... now that you mention it though it definitely sounds like it could be about drugs... maybe i had that idea in the back of my mind when i wrote it... i dont know... but if it had a theme then yeah i guess drugs would be it.